Tunisia Part 3

Suddenly the hotel has guests not many about 40 all of them Muslims arrived during the day but ‘no Brits’ who are obviously aware of the ‘NO DRINKS here’ rules so we can study and learn how the MUSLIM live their lives as families but to start with these are the well off people in the community, staying at the Russelior Hotel is very expensive for them and there’s Lou and me getting it for less than half price and we had the whole lot to ourselves for three days! Watching them as families the kids are not as well behaved as ours and certainly don’t have very good manners in public but that’s them probably showing off, however Mother is the most important person in their lives but Daddy does seem to ‘Lord it’ over the family, Mum and the kids arrive at their tables first then he arrives a few minutes later sits down and is on his pigging mobile for more or less the whole of their mealtime, bloody bad manners ignorant sods.
The men pray up to 5 times a day the women 4 times are not allowed to pray with the men. I quite liked the cuddly grandma’s which shows I am getting old and retarded.
After a hot sauna I tried to get into the changing room and as I opened the door a near naked man was sprawled out with his back to me and kneeling up and down praying to Allah or Mecca or Ladbrokes on one of the hotel towels, frightened the bloody life out of me, I thought he was offering me his body or he was dead to start with! Respectfully I shut the door and waited outside, Lou came out of her changing room and asked ‘why are your standing there’ you will get cold “Because I just nearly fell over some bloke doing his Hail Mary’s” I said just the man opened the door wearing one of the hotel’s white dressing gowns heading towards the hot steam room. Now I am a stickler for things being equal in life but I put the Muslim men as having to learn Western ways and give their wives and ‘Mummy’ to your children more of a say in their lives! Did you know the men are allowed to marry up to 4 women at a time and he stays with them whenever he wants like a merry-go-round and the women don’t mind so he could visit all four in one evening, nice work if you can get I mused suddenly I want to become Muslim! I have been married 4 times (so far) but that was over a period of over 50 years, I have an ambition to be had up for child support and adultery with two other women at the age of 92 providing everything stands up for itself! I can just imagine plucking up the courage to say to my missus “I am now Muslim and these are my other 3 wives and tonight it’s your turn to sleep with me, you lucky lady” she would say and you can G F Y!

It seems that wives are not allowed to appear attractive to any other man than ‘her man’ and from what I could see the women are achieving that aim. When it came to the Spa Bath the only Muslim couple we saw was blokie wearing hideous oversized flowery shorts she was skinny and nearly 6 feet tall wearing a head to toe shiny black leotard but we could not see her face as she glided into the plunge pool alongside ‘her man’ who I thought was an ugly sod but I couldn’t make my mind up about her. Anyway SPA etiquette is that you give way and exit the bath ‘fart and depart’ to give the others their time alone. They soon got out of the plunge pool into the Spa pool and I was staggered that her leotard covered every inch of her entire body including her head! Like a mermaid she slid into the spa bath and swam under water most of the time I found it all a bit too horny so went for a cold shower to cool off. Wow!
Lou just takes it all in her stride, she has a brilliant sense of humour and shares my stupidity most of the time and is happy ‘people watching’ and seeing strange happenings but if she sees me getting over excited she tries to send me out of the room to calm down Geoffrey, the silly moo. There is a retiring area in the spa bath with beds doubles and singles for you to lie out and relax, several of the double beds have pull-around curtains where Muslims can enjoy complete privacy (and probably a bit on slap & tickle or even a quick shag) which is where our couple ended up. I tried the curtain idea when we had the whole bloody place all to ourselves but her indoors opened the curtains saying‘Stop it, someone might come’ it certainly won’t be me I thought that’s for sure, but I mean how do you snog on when your bird is dressed up like that? And readers why not take a thought about those special women of all sizes in your lives dressed up in a head to toe SKIN TIGHT leotards tantalising you with the no zips NO ENTRY outfit? It would be a vast improvement in some cases, I suppose! Wonder if I can get one in headache blue or sneeze yellow for her indoors? Do they do extra large? I can just see Lou’s mum in one, no it’s better not to imagine any further I am making myself feel sick. Maybe they do them in men’s sizes; I would give it a whirl providing there was enough ballroom?

Now, I have nothing against Muslims apart from the men that treat their women like slaves and they think themselves the dogs bollocks and superior to their women, what a load of bull women worldwide could all say no sex from now on until you show me genuine love and respects. God even I could not agree to a commitment like that!

Bottom line is Tunisia is not a happy country with the present government unacceptable to the people and the riots caused by the much respected market trader who burned himself to death! Unemployment is at an all time high and the average hourly rate in Tunisia is less than ONE BRITISH pound and yet they have all got mobiles? It is a shame that the people of this country have massive unemployment which explains the desperations by shop traders. We stayed at the hotel for most of the time had a brilliant holiday we rested up and looked forward to coming home, we had both bonded well in the winter, despite all the things I write about Lou, all true with a little bit of exaggeration (but not the snoring) We are dedicated to each other and good mates, life is sweet what could shatter the peace and love between Lou and me what could go wrong to disturb the great new found love in our relationship, who will be the first to cock up the peace? Bet it’s me. **

Tunisia has the weather the Brits love they go to an entirely different part of the country so I cannot judge any other part than La Hammamet. If only the country was to operate as smoothly as Tunis Airport (smoke-smogged) which was a fantastic experience both ways, shame about the bit in the middle. Now the confession, we went to the departures lounge and I left Lou to read her book whilst I had a walk around and then I espied a BAR firstly I thought it was a mirage but with real beer taps, I practised gulping it down whilst the man took forever to fill the glass, in less than half a minute it was gone and suffering from a guilt complex I ordered the second pint then met up with Lou and gave her the glass! “No thanks” says her “I have waited this long I will wait till I get home” Cheers Darling, I don’t half love you. Creep!

The one third full plane on the return journey back to Gatwick spelt disaster for the airline but even worse Tunisia is the biggest loser. Once again the green-green grass of home beckons at Newquay and waiting with Lou’s car was Mother in Law; we say our thanks for looking after things and goodbyes as she took her 3.30 broom flight to Cheshire! He took the car; first one home puts the kettle on! We is going home, thank goodness we have a car boot tomorrow, back to reality and the real world and Cornwall!

Part 4; ** the homecoming and near divorce! Monday 12.00 noon