Last Part; Part 4 The homecoming **
We get home unpack the cases and settle down from the journey knackered ‘I think I will have a bath’ says Lou so to cap a wonderful time we spent together and to prove just how much I dearly love her I prepare her bath leaving a glass of Disaronna Italian iced liqueur and a Cadbury’s Flake for she to enjoy in her relaxing bath. What a lovely thought and what more could a woman need, what undivided attention to pleasing her indoors (wot a load of crap)? We go to bed knocked out all lovvy-dovvy but very tired so its hands above the duvet time and crash out. I was awoken by Lou’s loud snoring at four in the bloody morning tried to turn her over several times but it was no use she still snored and snored! She keeps saying ‘I have narrow nostrils which makes me snore I promise I will go see the doctor tomorrow’ but tomorrow never comes. For a peaceful life and for her to get her beauty sleep (and god knows she needs it) I leave her to snore alone, bless her? I make a coffee me and the dog is off to the office for peace and quiet. About eight I make her breakfast (still eating) then fell into a sound sleep having taken over the bedroom still KNACKED OUT!

About half an hour later I get woken up by a banging and a slamming of doors and shouting at me from Lou that I am a bloody idiot and always doing the same bloody thing time and time again! What have I done dear? “You left the bloody freezer open all night that’s the fourth time lately’ ‘But I didn’t use the freezer’ “Yes you did when you put that knob of ice into my drink last night and I don’t take bloody ice in that drink either” ‘Well that’s appreciation I don’t think, and it is not true stop exaggerating you always add a bit and then a bit more, I plead guilty to twice’ and so it goes on and on and bleeding on…. Isn’t it amazing how quickly your thoughts turn to divorce after being so dramatically in love when your partner without any considerations for your manly feelings she floors you over such a petty and trivial matter especially as no food was ruined or lost? My attitude, she should have shut the door and your gob, let’s move on and keep happy!

Suddenly I am having conversations with myself. OK so what if I did leave the effing freezer door open saying sorry is not going to help ‘it’s half my freezer init’ but how about a bit of appreciation for the effort I made in putting the drink and the Flake there in the first place and WHO was the total dick-head who got us going a day late on our holiday! You BIATCH!
And what about the faces you women pull when you are pissed off with your old man? Thunderous and threatening part of that act is making yourselves look your real age, your peaches and cream complexions are replaced with sour skin and dead laughter lines that reappear to say nothing of the double and treble chins that hold up that ‘over acted miserable face’ Bats circle overhead! A face liked a well slapped bum appears! But we still love and adore you! I can think of so many of our lady booters who could pull these faces that accompany their bad moods, Sympathies lads, sympathies!
Come on ladies admit it! I could run a competition for the ten worst ‘face pulling ladies’ I bet Lady Lynn and Marge (the official Pope-ette) would be runners up with Lou the outright winner but then Rosie can look dead stroppy when she’s upset! (Yet we still love you all)

You know the face lad’s when you walk in the room, you take one look at her indoors face and you think ‘Oh Fuck, what have I done wrong now FFS?’ You brave up to ask ‘What’s wrong dear’. Bingo! They have got your undivided attention but reply in the most indifferent way, one word “NOTHING” (attitude woman-attitude) Then you really know you are in the shit as you back track your mind ‘WTF have I done this time FFS, what did I do, what did I say or is it the bleeding kids again? (Has she found out?) And so it goes on and frigging on! You think I will give her a cuddle but she is so terse and tense it’s like trying to cuddle a rolled up double mattress as she shuffles away with her ‘Don’t you touch me’ act!

This is when I adore women, it’s the kitchen Oscars time! Four marriages later and still I have not had enough of these ‘intimate’ kitchen sink dramas. Go for it ladies Centre Stage! Do it ‘just like mother trained you dalling’
There is only one way to deal with it LADS! Deprive them of all sexual favours; that’s it, down tools! You will have about a three per cent chance of this working (the love of your life would delight with an offer like that) so for the other ninety seven per cent of you will have to take yourselves in hand! Shall I take a picture of her and put it above the fireplace? That would keep the grand kids away from the fire! And, and I don’t want to eat any more of your yucky homemade cakes either! The last lot I threw out for the birds and the poor little bastards couldn’t take off after eating them! Hah! All these were just thoughts that I just did not have had the balls to say out loud.
I will await my time and plan for revenge which take just two days, same situation same bathroom, same wife number 4. ‘I just need a quick pee’ gave me enough time to prepare HRH for her bath time treat. This time there will be no liqueur or a Cadbury’s Flake ‘oh no’ instead I left her favourite glass with a bottle of iced ACETONE nail varnish remover by its side, I lit two of her 12” EAR wax candles with a note ‘while you are naked stick these where the sun don’t shine you ungrateful old tart’ and for good measure I balanced 3 toilet rolls on the top of the bathroom door which crashed down on her as she entered for her bath. In the meantime I fall asleep stoned out on the settee contented with my revenge! What seemed like five minutes later she burst into the room she is always waking me up, but this time to congratulate me on ‘tonight’s treat’ she thought it was very- very funny and of course the same three toilet rolls crashed down on me later before I went to bed! Ha bleeding ha! Why can’t she do something original! Quick cuddles then a truce at the moment and for the time being, however I overheard mi-Lou telling Mother on ‘the weekly call to Head Office’ the details about what GFY had done adding her usual exaggerations, I am sure I heard her mother say “Do you know Louise; you have such a wonderful man who has cared and loved you and been loyal to you for over 25 years, you are so lucky” Suddenly, I like Mother in Law. Well at least I think that is what I heard she say? The forfeit; Lou had found a gents wig in one of her house clearances and was determined to see me try it on and be photographed, the picture must be shown on CBC website in the Geoff Says column within the month to WITCH I have reluctantly agreed. Taking all into consideration when you go on seven days holiday and it feels like two bloody weeks we were chuffed to be home but we did have a great time and yes we have both lost a bit of weight our joint weight is now twenty six and a half stone-she weighs the most! Back to reality and the rotten weather! We will be away for a few days this week, Lou and I are going on Jeremy Kyle for DNA tests to find out if she really is my wife??

We are now ready to bring our experiences to CBC “Hat your Service” who by the way earned a good tip from us. A really nice man and certainly worth head hunting for that big job! On our last day for breakfast he covered our table with rose petal leaves, it was Valentine’s Day (and I had forgotten) how very romantic, he asked would he see us again next year? This is a lovely and beautiful hotel but we did not feel safe in Hammamet and with no drinks allowed here so that means we are sorry we will not come back. “Yes Sir, Hat your Service!”