AUSTRALIA WINS THE ASHES. SO WHAT!!
Newspaper report January 2014

This man became internet sensation overnight after he was found naked, stuck in a top-loader washing machine. And now the biggest question of all has finally been answered – what on earth was he doing? Laurence Thorne the man in question, said he wasn’t hiding from his girlfriend, as previously reported, but he just “decided to have a bit of sneaky fun while in the nude”. What started as a seemingly harmless experiment and practical joke, ended with a collaborative rescue by police, fire fighters, and paramedics, Tatura SES and Shepparton Search and Rescue Squad? It was initially reported that the man from Mooroopna in country Victoria was aiming to surprise his girlfriend with his clever choice of hiding spot when he became firmly wedged.

Geoff Says picks up the story;

This could only happen in Australia just after whitewashing us in the Cricket by 5 nil they win the Ashes their country is so full of pride with itself and the jokes are all against us tossers in the UK when suddenly the whole world couldn’t GAF as the NEWS HEADLINES are taken over across the WORLD about this complete nutter who really pisses on the fireworks of the Aussies celebrations! Enter Lawrence who grabs all the International headlines and publicity and TV stations so the whole world forgets and couldn’t GAF about the Ashes result!

Now then, just imagine this Laurence blokie is alone in the house, his girlfriend is at work and he suddenly decides ‘I know, I will strip off and get inside the washing machine and play hide and seek till she comes home just for a laugh’ Baloney!! He was carrying out a sexual fantasy and got caught by his own stupidity; I mean you couldn’t put a child into one of those top loaders let alone a man of 12 stone plus and six feet bloody tall. From my recollection of those top loaders the agitator of the clothes is right in the middle of the loader? So he climbs on to the top of the machine naked, he stands up and with legs astride he climbs in the washer with the intention of sitting down and he squats! What happens next I can only imagine, but I reckon he turns the motor on which vibrates that fast he slips and skids forward into the machine trapping him by the knees and god knows what happened to the agitator or his googlies! His story goes worldwide and the Ashes story is completely forgotten! Hah!! By coincidence he still has his mobile phone and he tries to free himself but he is jammed in tight. Get this; he doesn’t want to tell his real girlfriend about his entrapment but gets another girl to ring his Mum & Dad to say “Laurence is trapped inside his washing machine can you go straight away to his place and take the angle grinder to cut the machine in two to release him and its very urgent. Oh and by the way he is naked”
He is WHAT!!

Now then, in the 1960/70s when these top loading washing machines were all the rage in no time almost every Council household had a ‘top loader’ and Cornwall was no exception with over 500 delivered to Old Hill alone and if you ask Mother or yer Granny about them they will tell you how noisy they were but they did have fantastic vibrations especially when they were spinning your washing around at top speed! Some of these machines were so noisy they would bang and dance all around your bloody kitchen or scullery floor totally out of control so women had to hold them tight against the wall until the spinning stopped but the smile on some of their faces said it all, and Lo and Behold it was all very climatic and Lo and behold the household VIBRATOR was born and never has the washing been so clean before during or since that period. At the same time same time men became absolutely of no use to the sexual desires of the wife of the house’ because in those days after their discovery they were too bloody knackered from keeping the washing clean!

If you were really on ‘her indoors’ team there could be fun and frolics as you ‘vibrate your bollicks’ in the scullery till well after midnight providing you offered to do the ironing the following day and you had enough bleeding half crowns to feed the bloody electric meter.
So let the fun begin! Firstly you have got to lift her on to the closed top loader then turn it on to rapid spin-a-rinse (30 mph) the top loader will suddenly start vibrating like shit so you grab a tight hold on to each other now you are off! The louder you scream the faster we go!! One word of warning lads don’t stand too close to the vibrating washer, you could do your Henry Halls some real damage bouncing up and down, been there-done-that!!
At the end of the third time of rapid rotating twenty minutes or so later she will be a shaking quivering nervous climatic wreck so be patient as you lift her off pull up her drawers then you do up your own fly buttons then push the top loader back against the wall ready for the next time, end of! Been there done that!! The good old 60s 70s etc. etc.

Ask yourself this ‘have I ever sat on a vibrating washing machine on full speed and not enjoyed it’? Of course you have! I certainly have! And if you haven’t you is either telling lies or lead a sheltered life. Ask yer Granny about ‘wot used to happen in them there old days with those there top loaders’ and if she doesn’t remember or she is acting too deef and pretends not to understand the question then you can accuse her of definite senile dementia because they were all ‘at it’ in those days!
I knew of an old granny who sat on top of her top loader turned it on and she had such a thrill she broke both upper and lower false teeth as the machine got into its final 5 spin of millions of revolutions per minute vibrating the old darling and with a smile showing utter contentment on her face they carried her off farting like the clappers to the back of beyond! Never saw her again?

Now then, this is absolutely true (would I lie) it is the men who have ‘fessed up’ and admit to rumpy pumpies in the cold sculleries of bygone days (you ask Le-Roy & Gajl for instance) in those days you didn’t have these bloody mobiles and hundreds of TV channels to distract you from the erotic fun in your own scullery and having a good old fashioned shag with you and your missus or someone else’s. There used to be “Good Vibrations” parties in the sculleries or the utility room some even kept them in the larder and everyone brought their Polaroid Cameras to record the actions and someone brought their record players and records, you ask Marge & Betty & Vera & Lady Lynn and Rita and Rosie and Julia (the women use to bring the drinks and food in them there days?
And when you ask them they will all reply “Oh no, I don’t know anything about that” and they will be telling Nigella porkie pies my lovers! Especially Marge, I have pictures?

Because of my alleged bad back I have tried time and time again to get my missus to ‘go get a top loader’ which would mean pulling it away from the wall to operate for old times’ sake, and then what? She flatly refuses.

Anyway, Lou did a house clearance in Falmouth recently so I offered to help, the house belonged to a lady of over 88 and her entire life’s collection of all the bargains she had bought from Car Boot Sales and charity shops over many years although is was mainly rubbish it absolutely filled every room floor to ceiling in this 3 bed roomed house. I was dealing with thousands and thousands more of Kodak photographs and Polaroid’s and of course there was a little old porn section right here in Cornwall my lovers, I won’t go into too much detail suffice it to say there were pictures taken with their Baby Brownie of Milady and her man having a right old session on their top loader. Lou had to empty the entire house for the agents and dispose of absolutely everything including the top loader and yes it still worked and yes was well maintained and yes the spinning action did work and yes it was in wonderful condition and yes it was one of those that shook so violently it would dance around the room!! Brilliant said Marge “Just what I have been looking for, I will buy it!!
I discreetly put all of the pictures into the skips declaring the end of what I believe had been a fantastic life for our 88 year old; despite all her hoarding skills the house oozed a happy atmosphere. She were a love my lovers. X
Back to the story; Mum & Dad arrive at Laurence Thorne’s house, they walk into the kitchen gob smacked to see their ‘silly arsed’ 26 year old adult son sitting naked and trapped inside his washing machine and realised they could not free him so Dad suggests ‘let’s call out the Emergency Services shall we! In all honesty had I been this stupid I could not face the WORLD let alone the Emergency Services I would have sent Mum & Dad for a Cyanide pill, but no this man he has the balls (also trapped) to just to just sit inside the washing machine and wait (what else could he do?) but just wait and wait for the Emergency teams to arrive! I bet he felt a complete Knob and a bit of a prick or had they gone numb?
Dad calls the Emergency Services and tells the story “My son is trapped in his washing machine naked and he is 26 years old” He is WHAT? The Police, Fire and Paramedics arrive bells and sirens blaring so Lawrence La-Twat sits quietly in his very very own washing machine and tells them his story “Well, I was playing hide and seek to surprise my girlfriend” Balls, Geoff Says! However after 20 minutes of pushing pulling and prodding which put a sickly grin on Lawrence’s face (pervert) he is still trapped despite bottles of olive oil and conditioner being poured into his predicament so he suggests “Why not tip the machine onto its side” which they did letting the machine crash on the floor and like a typical washing machine birth out he plops with this gunge all over his body and in his full nude and bruised state for his mummy and daddy and all of the Emergency teams to see and laugh their pigging heads off! What a WANKER! Typical Australian!!
But, just imagine your own partner doing exactly the same, you come home, you have had a hard day he calls you and there is your man or your lady acting like a twat sitting naked trapped in the top loader, WTF would you do? My missus would cover me with soap flakes empty a bottle of frigging Lenor all over me and shove a figging great carrot in my gob then turn on the frigging washer and bugger off. But if I went home and she was sitting in the washing machine I would most certainly (definitely) take advantage in some way or other my lovers! Try me!
Like a panty liner I must ‘press on’ as I have to do me ironing.

Loves,
Geoff