We are having a domestic! WITHOUT VIOLENCE!
Two weeks ago at Newquay I parked a couple of regulars and was surprised that Mrs Seller had brought Mr Seller to do a stall because the last time they ended up swearing and slamming as I watched the ‘body language’ and the ‘don’t let the neighbours hear our hushed fall-out row’ Within 10 minutes of starting I walked to their car and she is sitting in the passenger’s seat with a ‘face like a fart’ on her. Because I know and really like this woman and her old man they also like me so I pushed my luck by enquiring ‘what’s happened Darling?’ she says “WE ARE HAVING A DOMESTIC it’s that miserable old sod we have only just finished putting the stall up and he wants to go figging home already” So I asked him ‘WHY’ because the dog is in the house on his own was his pathetic excuse! “Apparently he is worried about the dog” I said to Mrs Seller “I told him to bring the dog but he wouldn’t listen” and it goes on and on and on, how stupid, how trivial, how bloody funny, but I must not gloat cos I have a wife also who is quite good at flying off the handle and we can have some amazing rows over SOD ALL (or her homemade cakes*) On reflection our very occasional rows or tiffs are gross stupidity as it seems I am always in the bloody WRONG!

The amount of couples who set up stall at our Car Boot Sales and have a ‘ DOMESTIC’ at the same time is increasing all the time (almost daily-same couples) so in the year of this bloody double dip recession people have felt the squeeze and it often explodes at our Car Boot Sales. Part of my job is to walk around the stalls while sellers are setting up when stress levels are not at their best, the one person seller (nearly always women) is quietly getting on with the job of unloading the car and even has time for a pleasant ‘good morning’ to me on my rounds whilst next door the couple are having a real ‘ding dong’ and I just have to stir it up a bit “Good Morning, everything all right” he ignores me but she says NO! It’s always the same reason every time he wants to be the BOSS and her ‘I could do better on my own’ attitude creates disharmony. So Lads, this is my advice which starts the day before you intend to do a Boot Sale;

Decide that you are both in agreement about what to sell but make sure you don’t try to sell something that she or he has just bought you as a pressy because it creates a fantastic working atmosphere, especially if she has schemed to buy you the present of a life time and you want to sell it for a couple of quid (don’t go there). At all times listen to ‘her indoors’ and obey the instructions when packing the boxes. Now it is time to load the car so ladies take a break after carrying things to the door have a sit down and a coffee, relax whilst HE loads the car, men are so much better at doing menial tasks like making sure it ALL fits in!!
So now you are prepared and ready, get a good night’s sleep, no sex its ‘hands above the blankets time’ (see what pops up during the night) set the alarm for HIM to get up first and prepare ‘breakfast in bed’ whilst she gets that extra few minutes of beauty sleep! (Several of my lot need more than a few minute-more like months-Josie & Mildred)

Now this bit is TRUE! Every morning I take my Lou her breakfast in bed which comprises of a mug of boiled water great for thinning the blood, cereal, fruits and toast (still eating) and it gets her in a good mood for the rest of the day (well almost) However, this is the trick let her have the bathroom first so she gets dressed whilst the men lay-in, when she is ready it’s the men’s turn to get up get ready but before you leave the house have a quick cuddle and tell each other ‘I love you’ (and BLOODY well mean it) Next its lock up the house and for GODS sake let her drive because it puts her in total control on the situation and my SURVEY SAYS women are much better drivers that men, however there are some women completely ‘cock it up’ when it comes to parking in a straight line (Audrey & Jenny).

Most men are crap at driving on grass going skid about or on the bloody mobile or just plain ‘I have arrived dot.com but the ones who really piss me off are the blokes who have a young child sitting on his lap and driving in a Q of up to 150 sellers just imagine an accident! The fathers, normally goofy twats think it bloody hilarious and remind me of the Hooray Henry Brigade who wear ‘men’s support underwear’ when there is no need!(dead birds dont fall out of nests) yer pillocks!

If you have done everything right and arrived in plenty of time the seller’s traffic will move to the selling fields and the first person you will see is ME! So when I am parking you I can also analyse your moods! Some are happy and content (that’s the women on their own some of them awaiting seeing their boyfriends without him indoors knowing-JOYCE!) but the most successful ones are the ladies who are driving with their lowly husband sitting beside her, he knows his position as passenger, assistant to the BOSS chief of nothing, without authority, WIMPO! Once the car comes to a halt he jumps out to assemble the table and set up the stall while she gets putting the final touches to the displays but in every way he is so trained as he ‘sets up’ and in accordance of her instructions. Just before the ‘horn sounds’ he has had time to show his never dying love and respect even more by getting the carrier bags and change ready and un-popping the flask for her to “have a hot cup of coffee Darling” Bloody creep!
But there are lots of them who would sooner lead this down-trodden path than upset ‘her indoors’ so these lap dog loonies let the rest of us down! Be a MAN and stand up to her! She will admire you much more but if you get it wrong, Oh Shit are you in some trouble?

And finally, when all is done and you get home, he unloads the car and he has done everything else she has asked, then you can both sit in front of a well earned cup of coffee (knackered) and count the day’s takings and hope you have covered the costs and made a profit, if not it’s her bloody fault!

One love-WOMEN!

All women! The BOSS! (she thinks)

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