Here is story from the Geoff Says archives which I have updated but on reflection these were happier times at our Car Boots with larger than life great characters including everyone mentioned below. Great days.
Not tonight dear I have got a bit of a headache!

The names of the couple mentioned in this story have not been changed to protect their identities so this is a true story of which I reserve the rights to exaggerate a little;
Menace & Dora;
Around 1995 Truro Cattle Market Car Boot Sales were held every Saturday at 8.00am they were so popular in those days sellers would Q as early as 5.00am which caused problems with local residents so we told them to Q in the old MFI car park which is now Dunelm Mill. At 7.00am they convoyed up to the Cattle Market which was the official time we were allowed access to the grounds. New from up country Menace and Dora became regular sellers at our sales gaining popularity with buyers and other sellers alike however Menace quickly became known as a ‘wind-up merchant’ he would get up to all sorts of practical jokes winding one seller up against another which although very funny some of his victims were not quite so amused!
Menace had a gripe against the police for some reason or other so when he found out ex-PC Graham an ugly sod of 69 odd years was an alleged ex- copper! Menace saw him as the ideal target ‘thick and vulnerable’ The wind-ups were continuous from week to week and the PC got so agitated at Falmouth one day because Menace was ‘taking the piss out of how I park cars’ (truth is he could not park Dinky Cars let alone real cars) and he came to tell me he was going to hit the Menace or in his own words’ I’m gonna smack the short arsed little TWAT’. Even the famous Jim (who was BRILLIANT at parking cars) was a target for Menace to stir up and it was always great fun for me to park them next to each other knowing full well they would sooner be parked up elsewhere.
An hour or so later battle would commence but I admired Jim who ignored the ‘childish’ wind-ups saying “As long as you leave my Jan out of your pranks we may get along, if not then I could get my Danny to speak to you, know wot I mean”? Dora used to console Menace ‘Not everyone thinks you’re funny Menace, I don’t most times Luvvy!
The alleged ex-PC had bought a new car (new to him at least) which he loaded up for Rosudgeon where he set up stall then quietly got into the driver’s seat to either have a kip or watch the crumpet leaving his adorable wife (who could have done better for herself) to serve the customers while he either eyed up the talent or take 40 winks or so! Menace seeing an opportunity to take the piss out of the new car gets a thick felt tip pen and drafts two signs on cardboard ‘FOR SALE Bargain only £500.00’ and sticks one on the front and one on the rear of the new second-hand car! PC could not see Menace (through his horn-rimmed testicle- spectacles) cos Menace is a short arsed little twat according to PC! Within a few minutes interest is growing in the car which is a BARGAIN at £500.00 as it cost £4000.00 (he say’s) PC looks out of the car window to see a ‘tyre kicker’ potential buyer trying out his boot against the front wheel when PC jumps out of the car saying ‘What the fook are you up to mate’? He then sees the signs and looks across to Menace’s stall he is no-where to be seen (cos he is a short-arse little twat) (according to PC) but Menace was hiding behind his car watching as PC tries to explain to the man who has five hundred ‘readies’ in his hands to pay for the car ‘it’s a JOKE mate honestly” PC tries to explain so he rips up the £500 quid signs vowing to get Menace.
Dora the lovely wife of Menace is the complete and total boss over Menace, she seems to spend fortunes on her TORY blue rinse hair style, (never a hair out of place) but she works tirelessly at her stall where Menace is like an assistant manager unloading the car and being told time and again in her slow nagging northern accent ‘No Menace, ‘ not the blue box the green box first’ or ‘you have forgotten The tables this time FFS’ ‘Ee Menace, I don’t know what you are thinking most of the time FFS’ says Dora, so if you the reader assumes that Menace is well hen pecked and under the sodding thumb you would be right and he deserves it!
For some of the wind-ups his favourite targets are the nice ladies and girls that work in the catering, if he can cause mischief he does but one day he picked on the wrong person MY MISSUS with two of his stupid wind ups. Before we go on holiday Lou and I take on a strict diet and we keep an eye on each other to see no-one cheats, we were at Newquay one busy day Lou collecting rent and I am busy with overseeing the Car Boot, I was peckish and bought myself a Bounty Bar and I ate both pieces witnessed by Menace. When he saw Lou he said “That Geoff thinks such a lot of you-you know Lou I saw him buy this Bounty Bar and save the second piece for your journey home, that is so kind and considerate of him to think of sharing it with you, but I should wait till you’re going home and ask for your share” The little Bastard! I tried to deny all but he had nicely dropped me in the shit and I had lost a bet with her indoors!
I am very strict about giving regular sellers a ticket when they pay their rent because they claim it on their expenses, one day Lou had forgotten the tickets and was worried that I should find out until the Car Boot was over.  She went to Menace’s stall to collect the rent and told him in confidence ‘Sorry no tickets, I forgot them, Geoff will go berserk’ Seeing this as an opportunity to cause mischief the dreaded man came tappy-lapping to tell me in his northern accent ‘Lou didn’t give me a ticket maybe her forgot, I just thought she may need a gentle reminder for next time’! On the way home Lou says ‘I’m sorry I forgot the tickets today’ I said ‘I know Menace told me’ He did WHAT? Revenge time!  Nobody but nobody causes mischief or comes between me and my missus so I will patiently wait my turn!
Unknown to Menace Dora had been given a gift from Marge of parts one two and three of the trilogy 50 Shags of Grey which Dora intended to read in bed. After watching TV one night she announces to Menace “I am going to put me curlers in now pet and go up to bed are you coming now luv” Menace looks up, “Not yet Luvvy I will stay here for a while I think I’ve got a bit of a headache so I’ll watch news’” Dora departs the room to do the hair and prepares for bed plus a horny good read under the duvet with the trilogy but decides to read part three first. An hour or so later she has read all the randy bits and thinks ‘I feel a bit randy I wonder if our Menace is all right’ so she gets out of bed and goes to see if he has fallen asleep on the settee but, if he is awake ‘tonight’s the night for Menace’    Instead of going into the sitting room she decides to peep through the conservatory curtains and to her utter amazement there is Menace almost bollock naked with his trousers round his ankles watching a porn channel ‘taking himself in hand’ Dora bangs on the window shouting “Oh my God Menace and what do you think you’re doing you are sex maniac”? Needless to say Menace could not complete his act of ‘indecency’ and Dora did not get her wicked way neither!
Dora cannot wait for Car Boot the next day at Newquay and she tells the girls of the catering the gory details of Menace explaining “Well he were like sort of PLONKING himself off in front of telly while watching a porn channel”  Fair play to Menace if that’s what turns you on (especially at his difficult age 73) but I fear there are double standards here on behalf of a lot of women who have read the same book as Dora to its various and ultimate privacy of climaxes for the reader and yet they will begrudge our Menace of a play around with his Widget and Henry Halls in his own home whilst watching some gorgeous bird stripping off or even worse shagging!
Revenge was sweet for the catering girls after all of the wind-ups by Menace over the years; they could not wait to tell me the story! I take great pride is writing this account which may well be over-exaggerated to settle a few scores on behalf of all the victims of his wind-ups only this story is TRUE!
Now wash your hands Menace and ‘Come to bed I’m HORNY’! No thanks luvvy I’ve got a bit of a headache’
GOTCHA!!
GOTCHA!!
GOTCHA!!
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