We had treated ourselves to a brand new pair of bright coloured yellow cases, we are sick of looking forever for our black cases on the carousel after long journeys sod the expense, so all we gotta do is look for these ‘bright yellow’ cases. We depart from Newquay Airport to Gatwick from there we board a plane that takes 6 hours roughly air flight to BARBADOS and man when you get there you are met with heat from the blazing sun! A coach the takes you direct to BRITANNIA the cruise liner of P & O where we will spend the next two weeks. We search for our room number 720 with BALCONY which is fitted out with two confortable fall asleep chairs and a table sufficiently comfortable for a bottle of rum and coke but SMOKING is not allowed on the ship apart in the SUNRISE Bar which is part open air so I have permission to go seek where I may be able to have the odd smoke which I use to give relief for my severe leg pains. I had mixed enough with 20% cannabis the rest being farmers blend to last me the fortnight’s holiday. The bar was amazing everybody happy either smoking killer fags or a dash of weed with a variety of  pints of beers or lagers or you hit the spirits trail. So for the whole two weeks I was totally content to spend a couple of hours with like-minded people listening to the holiday happiness atmosphere, not an ounce of stress tension, just happy people! Sorry for some old lady who was crying in one of the lifts having proved positive for Covid was told she would be put off the ship at the first opportunity! Poor soul!

Mealtimes on the ship there are 14 different food outlets the plentiful food is amazing from all over the world and the Catering staff do an absolutely brilliant job with their food creations and massive displays of food glorious food. Never heard of one complaint about the food nor any discent from the most adequately trained team of staff totalling over 2000 ladies and gentlemen from all over the world. We are now in day two of our holiday at sea for the day heading for our first Island Aruba but before that Lou has booked a series of Hydrotherapy/Sauna/steam bath/bubbly jacuzzi/pool for just the two of us where you can get jet washed to every part of your body and if you do it right you could have a smile of yer face forever, climatic my dears! There is one jet wash of four extreme firemens hose jets that pummel your body and yer goolies to perfection dears and I noticed my Lou went back every day, I could not cope ffs!

ARUBA. What a stunning Island presented to the world in all its glory with only the best World Wide shops including Cartier/ YSL/ Hillfiger/Kate Spode etc! I had told Lou to visit all the jewellers and if there is anything you want just buy it and I will settle up later knowing full well that she would not want to spend the money indeed my money cos I aint got nowt mate! Lovely happy warm atmosphere as the countless hundreds of cruisers meet in the shopping centres. Nice friendly people with a few of them waving torches at Britania which announced our departure with two large blasts from the ship, a nice touch how many of the other islands will  follow this idea in appreciation of the trade from you visiting tourists dears. Lou and I chose a beautiful bungalow set up in them there hills as our dream home, onwards and upwards to Antigua!

ANTIGUA. wonderful entrance into the quayside brilliantly parked up by the captains team of engineers who create great pictures as we arrive watching all the fantastic scenery and housing developements. we breakfasted well leaving the ship around 10.00 am it is a glorious day the sun is beating down suddenly we are confronted by eleventy billion taxi drivers offering island tours tours to the beach, round the island ony $20 $10 even as low as whatever but they are s0 persistent it amounts to abuse when people try to say no politely which pisses me off ffs! We decided to go for a walk and rested up on a bench where a taxi driver had stalked us. He offered his services taxi here taxi there taxi freaking everywhere ‘but no thank you I am resting my legs’ he then accused me of being rude, whether or not I told him to walk away with jerky movements ffs!! We decided that the pavements and holes in the roads are dangerous, not much to see! A beautiful Island spoilt by first impressions, the uncontrolled offensiveness of the vying  taxi drivers play a big part in offending thousands of people with their ‘in your face’ bartering for your dosh in a most impolite way bud, Antigua should get to grips with how the TAXI businesses are operated and should show control and concerns about how the valuable Tourist Industry is operated. We decided not to chose a dream home here.

A day at sea then GRANADA stunning entrance to this beautiful Island but again with poor road and pavements, Lou bough a bag of 100 nutmegs to give as individual gifts to anyone at home, now how is that for tightfistedness or what “Oh do have a nutmeg darling” I went in search for some duty free fags to bring back for my mate Nigel, now then Lou and I gave up almost 20 years so we were stunned to read on the packets theat “There are over 70 Chemicals that can cause CANCER in tobacco and nicotine ffs!” Now that’s criminal and of me not reading the packet before buying. I don’t wish Nigel any harm apart from that part of his brain healing up before you sign your own early call to an early death mate.

Early Morning arrival to St LUCIA just a lovely to look at  seeing all parts of the entire islands from a distance to arrival for cruisers to descend  to buy their duty frees and presents or post cards for those three at home Annie Grannie and Aunt Fannie the dear of them. We just like to stretch the legs and watch the world go by. Tomorrow we are going to arrive at St Kitts & Nevis many of our readers will remember around 20 years ago we started going to St Kitts after a friendship began with a family of Rastafarians who had a story to tell. During a violent hurricane storm a Holiday Park and other serious damage to St Kitts it was decided by the Government to completely close down the Peninsula. Chalawa a father of 6 decided to move his entire family to the Peninsula where he had a part-time job.

ST KITTS & NEVIS

We had planned to hire a car which Lou would drive around the island to try to seek out our friend Chalawa and any of his family. The island is beautiful the people seemed happy and content it is 14 years since we were last here some of the major roads are in very good condition but other need at the very least repairing fs! The last time we saw Chalawa was at his Cannabis Plantation at the Peninsula where he had acres and acres of the best looking weed in the world man growing quietly and happily in the open air of the Caribbean my man. He had giant 2 agressive guard dogs, I was the first white man they had seen which amused Chalawa as they tried to mount and probably fucking eat me ” Chalawa get the monster dogs off me ffs” My first contact was with son number 5 KING Javell Leader, whilst Lou and I were sitting on the beach he rode on his cycle across the field when he threw something white on the grass as he walked to say hello. We had a fantastic conversation with him as he invited us to see his quarters on the beach, we got into the conversation of Cannabis and I asked him “was it a spliff that you threw on the grass over there” he agreed. He told me about his father Chalawa who had carried 5 children on his back for miles to move to the Peninsula. He produced 2 five foot large round Containers washed up by the hurricane which were now full of wonderful smelling Lion Herb Cannabis grown on my fathers lands. I asked to meet with Chalawa but King he say “My Daddy he dont mix with white man” So I replied well he is fucking well going to meet me ffs! King says my father swears just like you. There is a good reason to meet we can swear at each other but he is not going to get away with refusing to speak to me because I am white, what a ferking nerve ffs.

A year later we were walking through the woods near the beach when Lou said ‘King is over there with his dog’ I went across to say hello and the man turned around he was the spitting image of King so here was his father Chalawa face to face ffs! I asked, Are you Chalawa? He say, yeah man King told me all about you, can Lou and I come to see you please?  He say, I will sort it out with King! The next day we meet up with King we have to hide the car well away from the entrance area to the concealed plantation, we leave the road going throuh hundreds of trees and bushes then a steady incline covering at least quarter of a mile eventually arriving puffed out to fcuk in a vast open field where from every angle all you see is the weed man, the aroma is amazing my man so lets sit down and take it all in ffs, it’s FREE Utopia I do believe! King is stunned that Lou and I are in the company of the Great Chalawa who takes a liking to Lou and asks her if she wants to learn all about growing the weed stuff man. A careful friendship is formed, we get to know the entire family over several years who smoke the weed that Chalawa and his sons have grown and sell to make a living which is the way they feed themselves, nice work if you can get it. So you can take it that most of the time some or all of them are completely in a world of spliffism which is very contageous just sitting under the green parachute where the weed is drying out in the Caribbean heat my man, you just breathe in the atmosphere and you start to say something and you forget wtf you were gonna say in the first place and your mind just wanders off in all sorts of directions my man and it’s stupifyingly great fun especially if you wash down the feelings with Caribbean rum my man called Rum & Toke mate and then a couple more my lovers let’s go for bust when your head is spinning around and your eyes are showing blurred visions as you try to roll the next spliff when your fingers play stupid spilling weed everywhere but in the tab man ffs. My man Chalawa tells me he as been growing weed forever, he has been in prison for a plantation the army raided belonging to Chalawa he broke out of prison ffs and went on the run to the mountains and within 8 weeks he had grown new Cannabis plants to sell. The family saw that he was well fed whilst on the run bringing provisions for him and taking away the grown weed to sell. After a year he returned to prison to serve the remainder of his sentence! Chalawa was the hardest man I have ever met he was frightened of no-one and he had a superb man-figure which he proudly showed off most of the time my lady, to touch him was like stroking a seasoned ebony carved tree according to someone I know, solid muscle all over ffs!

When we left the Britania to tour St Kitts we had about 8 hours on our journey with various stops to remember our previous years on the islands homeland which is enough time we drove to the Peninsula to a shack Lion Cafe where I could ask about King and Chalawa, we walked in with memories flooding back I walked towards their photo gallery to see if I know anyone on the board, a lady sitting in the bar who is the owner says ” I Know that Gentleman” Bingo it’s Chalawa’s sister and Kings Aunt Angela Powell from Upper Monkey Hill, St Peters’s Parish Church,  St Kitts West Indies.

The news is very sad Angela tells me that Chalawa has Dementia and is in his last days of his life but King is fine and on his day off! She tells me he became a totally broken man after the government stole his farmland moving him and his animals goats and cows to a remote area, the government rounded up hundreds of Chalawa’s animals and shot them! The Prime Minister the Honourable Denzil LIAR Douglas then sold Chalawa’s Legally owned land with his totally corrupt Barister at Law, Henry Wanker Browne aiding and abetting fiddling away millions of dollars the rightful owners Chalawa’s sons and daughters are going without yet the CURRUPT DUO of Denzil & Henry who also robbed myself of land in St Kitts. I feel so sick about Chalawa he really looked the epitomy of  good health, no-one gets over Dementia so I am reminded about my mother in law Julia who is still in there with the Care Home my lovers she talks absolute rubbish but she comes alive when I visit, picture somewhere? To conclude the Chalawa story there should be a government enquiry into the dealings that robbed the Chalawa family of their land stolen and sold for MILLIONS my birds. But the whole story is available for the right price and well worthy of a book? Geoff

Our analysis of the P & O Cruise-ship Britania holiday has to be ten out of ten, the holiday was amazing the food was great not an ounce of stress apart from the welcome to some of the islands from some almost offensive taxi-drivers selling trips to wherever then crowding little boats with their gullible passengers looking like stand up and wobbling sardines ffs! I think it is a nice gesture for islanders to do some show of appreciation for us parting with our dosh like waving your national flags. All residents we met and spoke to on all islands were very polite and helpful they like the Brits my bird and ‘der weed aintbad my man ffs!! Take the missus on a cruise my lovers it reinvigorates your partnership for the next years or missus you book it on the quiet just for the two of you wtf, you deserve it, the gentle lulling of the ship as it gently rocks you to sleep is very very horny my man, so take the vibes and gels with you at whatever age you are ffs! The next time could me the last time, I mean, what a way to die, as she is shouting geroff  ffs and you cannot hear a furking word as your dick deflates, amen! Live and love your lives and be loyal to your partner FFS!!

Geoff

X

Now then, At the start of all this I mentioned that Lou and I had bought two bright yellow suitcases because we were sick of looking for our drab black cases so this is what happens to the cases which was a complete and total fcuk up. From Gatwick our cases get to the ship which are outside your chosen balcony which was most complimentary. One criticism of     P & O is that they bombard you from all angles about what is on and on and it gets a bit boring so bollox I am sick of reading, I refuse, no more leaflets enough already! We were all packed up and ready to go so all we had to do was put our cases outside our balcony door and they would collected and the next time you see them is at Gatwick, but but but the yellow cases should have been put out overnight to be picked up and we now have to walk through the ship trailing these posing effing cases that should be on their way to be loaded on the Gatwick flight ffs! I am stoned I don’t really GAF, I am sweating buckets! We eventually get the cases to more or less where they are supposed to be but we still have to get them to the plane, we have been directed to a large meeting theatre to await our departure from the ship and then this happened! My Lou went to the person who was directing our departure from the ship explaining our situation about our cases and asking if there is anyway we can get them picked up and taken for us to de plane man you know what I’m saying Yo all? Next thing this thoroughly nice polite gentleman came and said that if we wait till the end then they will do all they can for us ffs! The man returns he gets someone to pull the cases, we are checked that we are who we iz ffs then we get shown to this furking great limouzine man the chauffeur he say “This is from P & O to the airport with your cases complimentary my man, as we made our way to the limo people were saying who tf are they ffs. We saw the cases go onto the plane and when we arrived at Gatwick guess furking what ffs! No furking yellow cases ffs!! We watch the carousoul go round and around with fcuk all on it they turn the frigging lights off so we walk to a VIP area and there standing like two yellow pillockx are our dear cases! We were not amused, actually I was cos I feel it in my bones that my missus blames me for the whole problem which is probably accurate, thast’s a woman’s job my man to keep a good man down and we love it allegedly! I cannot praise P & O highly enough for their brilliant holiday to the Caribbean and so many people have said to me “I would love to go but you have to dress up for it” which is absolutely baloney! From the Britannia Cruise of say 4-5000 guests we saw about 75 pairs of people who actually had quality dress suits and gowns but the rest of us were mainly in casual holiday clothes looking like it’s all been bought at our Car Boot Sales!

Ps; We are so impressed we have booked another trip for 18 days in the Meditteranian. Do your know what me ansum I am so stoned me spelling is all fcuked up. Geoff  XX To be edited!