Welcome to CUBA Part 4

Back to CUBA!
Part FOUR:
We arrive at Playa Costa Verde fully inclusive hotel, we have two rooms with 2nd floor balconies which were pleasantly furnished and very dated, it looks lovely and peaceful ideal for us as we need peace and quiet and privacy to forget all about home and Julia who is in safe hands. Lou loves TV I don’t so I can have my quiet smoke on the balconies take in the heat the atmosphere and rest up my painful legs ffs! I noticed to the right of the balcony there was a security guard who seemed to be watching people going to the beach but I took no notice for the time being. We unpacked our cases and prepared to go eat from the vast display of ‘fully inclusive’ foods set-up in a very large open-air restaurant. There was a huge display of what I would describe as ‘predictably boring whatisit junk food’ some people were wandering around dazed missing food at home fs aimlessly with empty dinner plates trying to get inspired and enthused with what’s on offer. The best food was to wait for half an hour whilst one lady person gets through her queue cooking steaks or various other dishes, well worth the wait while your partner has to sit alone ‘where tf have you been, ave yer bin chatting up I’m starving FFS’ is the welcome you get for waiting and waiting some more just to feed her or him, what absolute gratitude dearest! I am not referring to my Lou but I did overhear some bloke sounding off at his missus about keeping him waiting for his food to which the dear lady picked up her meal her knife and forked off to another table, quite right, get yer own food in future bum-face! Happy holiday to you two as well my lovelies, hilarious fun until Lou says “Let that be a lesson dear” WTF! Now what have I done wrong FFS? Any-ways up half way during the meal the most dreadful local and very untalented band of about 8 blokes featuring maracas horrific loud unmelodious singing with their own bongos ffs that struck up and played so loud that families could not relax from their day to eat their meals in peace nor could they relate nor talk to each other as any family conversations were drowned out by this dreadful crap poo unmusical music! Go away FFS the people are families having their meal, muted sympathy applause from the disturbed diners the only person who clapped with enthusiasm was the catering manager to try to enthuse his staff to clap instead of him facing the public or get behind the counters and help the cooking staff ffs or asking hotel residents “what do you really think of the food?” Whoever made the decision to invade people’s private meal times with their families who are supposed to be enjoying themselves accompanied with this painfully boring excuse called music night after night FFS! What a brilliant way to empty a restaurant, I cannot imagine if when I was the General Manager of Pontins at Brean Sands in Somerset (the boss don’t you know) say in the middle of family mealtimes I decide to put such an utter crap alleged local band music on there would be nearly a riot after the first song FFS but ‘they their buggers in Cuba’ sang for up to 14 of their pigging songs lasting 8 minutes each ffs. Enough is enough, what a bloody racket, I can cope no longer let’s leave the meal and go back to our room where there are two full bottles of rum white and dark and the fridge is stocked with lagers and soft drinks ‘all-inclusive’ don’t you know! We can sit on the balcony have a quiet drink and a chat and watch the world and the little white fluffy clouds go by and relax my pigging painful legs, then I can have a quiet peaceful smoke FFS.
This is true, it is night-time we open the door, both rooms are fully lit without turning the lights on fs we had left the curtains opened but we were stunned to see that there was a large floodlight outside illuminating both rooms FFS, I go on to the balcony and there is the security man, he waves, I don’t, what tf am I going to do when I want my quiet smoke on either of these balconies all illuminated for this pigging security man and I am livid and he is there all night long and all day long and the pigging spot light stays on all night till 6.30 am in the pigging morning FFS. I close the curtains the stuffing light still comes through the top of the poxy curtains we move around the room casting massive shadows across the ceiling FFS. No chance of a quick shag with this lot going on TTFFT-FFS! I go onto the balcony see the security man who I have nicknamed ‘slaps’ cos he keeps slapping his legs to keep himself awake ‘what TF am I doing here FFS?’ I light a smoke and immediately I am conscious that the warm breezes might waft my smoke in front of ‘slaps’ nose then he might swing into action and arrest me, great fun! I am thinking how can I put that effing light out, oh for a catapult or a cannon FFS! So here I am sitting against this pigging wall so no bugger can see me on this king illuminated balcony and Lou seeing my predicament knows me enough and her can see that I am getting seriously picking wound up so suggests that we hang towels over the balcony rails ‘then nobody will definitely not see you now see’ which is a mixture of Cornish and Geordie speak “Are you mad or summit I am not frigging hiding behind towels FFS” Her fetches the towels looks over the balcony she looks, he looks, he waves and to wind me up she waves FFS and I am getting so totally pissed off ‘go to king bed woman FFS I love you’

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