FRIDAY at 12.30 at FALMOUTH/SATURDAY at MITCHELL at 12/SUNDAY and MONDAY at TRURO both at 1.30 pm
Latest GREAT NEWS 1; St Columb Major STARTS SUNDAY at 1.30 pm/GREAT NEWS 2; We have MOVED to Chapel Farm (opposite HENDRA) Tuesdays and Thursdays at 12 noon/GREAT NEWS 3; we will stay at TRURO Car Boot Sundays at 1.30 pm then change the starting time to 12.00 noon at the end of May. St Columb will also run Car Boot Sales SUNDAYS at 1.30 pm.

Beware that someone may try to steal from your stall, they do it in town centres but to stoop as low to steal from Car Boot Sales is the total pits when sellers are trying to sell their unwanted items for some money for the family! please be aware?

Strictly NO DOGS in the selling area at MITCHELL however there are 3 fields where you can exercise yourselves and your dogs, how about that my lovers, walkies!! Knackering oh yes, but you are out in the fresh air and at field number three you can let your dogs off their leads for a while. If the missus reads this she will send you so she can quietly go round the boot sale and have the freedom to buy whatever she wants to buy without interference from you ffs! x Happy Bank Holiday, I have no idea why we have this weekend but every MONDAY should be a Bank Holiday.

Buy wisely then sell on eBay what goes around comes around? Why-ever not Geoff Says; x

Pussy Galore!
To start with this blog, I have to show great respect to the creators of this story that actually happened last Saturday at Mitchell, we were well into the sale lots of buyers carrying stuff they had bought at BARGAIN prices. Life was going on just about perfect when suddenly I get a message that 2 of my sellers mother and daughter who were selling in their own cars that the mothers pussy had been killed on the main road and that they must both leave the boot sale to go home and commiserate with the family, nice touch but they were both packing their stall into boxes and shoving it anywhere in both their cars at an alarming pace the slamming their car doors to leave the car boot. They drove slowly past myself Rock-on (Paul) and Nigel, we hung our heads in respect for the ladies dead ‘pussy’ as the two ladies crying their bloody eyes out blurring their visions for driving with tears galore ffs!

I mean, it must be a dreadful experience when a woman’s pussy dies, sympathies all round and we discussed that maybe the cat was injured but still alive then that could be the reason for their haste! I said to Rock-on “Maybe they will have to give pussy ‘kiss of life’ have you ever given a pussy kiss of life ffs” to which he and Nigel went into hysterics with their filthy minds working overtime with mine, I mean hilarious or not but this is to all the women who have pussies of their own may I say with the greatest respect could I ask you “Would you go rushing home after your pussy had died, but the big question is my lovelies would your man be more upset than you that your very own pussy had died deceased, dead, no more gone, kaput! Think about it my men if her pussy has died what are you going to play with now then? Respects to all pussies and their owners forever;
If this story sounds a bit fishy, it is not, it is the truth ffs!
Geoff Says. x

TUESDAY & THURSDAYS Car Boot sales at NEWQUAY (TR7 2JQ) see panel for details of all our Car Boots on the right!
We are hoping to move into our new location Chapel Farm on TUESDAY the 14th of May for our first Car Boot Sale at Chapel. We are at an angle opposite HENDRA HOLIDAY PARK the largest in Cornwall which gets packed with holiday-makers who love their Car Boots, they will spend well if you have what they want on your stall so sellers offer BARGAINS at sensible prices and buyers particularly my friends from Asia and all parts of Europe please be sensible when making an offer for if someone is asking £10.00 for an item it is bloody rude to offer them ‘vun pound please’ you cheeky sods and it’s the men who some of them are not used to toilet and chain business so they take a pee behind the water tank, that’s disgusting if we catch you believe me you will be put into the next Farm Auction after being castrated amongst all the fat cows ffs and I am not picking on but why are you all growing beards, did you know that because of germs it is better to kiss a dog than a man with a beard, much safer dears. Confucius he say; Never grow on your face what grows up your bum for free! Please note all the above my friends from all over the world welcome to our Boot Sales and spend some king money ffs! Love you’ll. Geoff Says. x

Preamble;
Part ONE;
Most of the readers of this blog will know the history of me my wife Lou and my mother in law Julia who has Dementia, she is living with us in an up-sized house owned by Lou at Winnards Perch giving all three of us our own space which works to a certain extent until Julia displays further signs of the worsening of her illness, nevertheless it is time to have a complete rest from each other as stress levels have been high and low now and again (more now than again) between my loving wife Louise myself and her mum Julia who is a total pain in the arse at times but I like her a lot she is a lovely lady who keeps me in stitches with her child-like stupidity through her illness and her loves my appreciation of her overacted errors which really pisses off my lovely Lou who cannot understand my patience. So, it’s seconds-away-time to get away!
We found a lovely farmhouse care home in Hayle that Julia approved of after visiting so it was her decision that she would stay for the duration of our holiday which gave us the freedom to get away from it all into the sun so it’s goodbye to Julia, enjoy your stay away from us as we will enjoy your stay away from us as well my dear mother in law Julia!! Peace perfect peace can reign between my Lou and myself trouble is I get into serious trouble sticking up for her mum who shows Lou absolutely no appreciation for being her Carer, no pleases, no thank-you, no kiss my butt nothing, my Lou gives five-star service to her mum (my mate Julia) who adores me FFS ‘for I can do no wrong’ which pisses Lou off immensely. And so, it should! Julia is fading away she cannot do anything for herself apart from eat but she is constantly forgetting to drink, you don’t drink-you dehydrate you die Julia, end of FFS! But give her a jigsaw and she total fcuks up, challenge her on the meaning of words or get her to stop reading Pam Ayres poetry bloody book constantly OUT LOUD ffs she is perfection itself but a total a boil on the bum pain with her school Marm voice.
This blog may seem as though I go through life picking fault in hotels which is not the case however if I am on holiday with my fellow Brits whoever they are and I see incidents where there is a complete lack and disregard to the Public Health and Safety towards me and my fellow holiday-makers then I speak out loud and clear. It is quite clear that THOMAS COOK do not inspect their holidays hotels ensuring Public Safety that the totally unsupervised swimming pools could and will do harm to your children where there is a FREE BAR with seating for loutish people hell bent on getting pissed out of their minds not leaving the pool but to piss in the pool that circulates going into your children’s swimming pool and Thomas Cook management couldn’t’ give a fcuk FFS!! I reserve the rights of ‘outspoken free speech’ thank-you!
The holiday begins;
Newquay Airport was a pleasant experience this time as in previous years the departure lounge and its security were a total nightmare, I reckon if I had stripped off to my Crown Jewels G string grundies bought for me by a secret admirer (myself) they would have still wanted to scan me fs. Talk about totally over the top with its stupid scanning security outdated system of everything you own being scanned as you stand there with your belts off for security reasons your frigging trousers are near falling down to your poxy ankles ffs as you shuffle forward like Nerds United, next you are getting owned and scanned with skeleton pictures of your body and your feet are ferking freezing cos you’ve had to take your bloody shoes off and now ffs all you own including your money your wallets you’re pigging purses yer jewellery yer small change the kicking lot ffs all for security reasons. So everything you own has gone into the box to be scanned that hundreds of other people’s germs from all the boxes contaminating your property, then there was also a distinct possibility of getting frisked and scanned into the bargain cos you have a wedding ring on ffs and all because you set off their body scan system. I mean getting ferking frisked by some sweaty local bloke who is ‘loven-it my lovely’ as he frisks every part of your body that he feels like going because he wants to ffs, purvey or what? The scan business of looking for drugs is a stupid idea, the ‘stuff’ they are looking for is already on the plane in my case my man FFS! I mean this is CORNWALL trust us fs and anyway who TF is bothered if someone like me a doddery old fart for instance has got enough smokes of the weed stuff to last for his or her holiday, so what, MYOFB and blow up your pants!! Legalize it FFS!
In the real world it is becoming the norm to legalize Cannabis like Canada and the various states in the US of A not attributed to the most dangerous git on the planet motor-mouth and convicted liar Donald (duck the truth) Trump! To call him a wanker would be a great injustice and a discredit to all of us normal or rapid (one shake and it’s all over ffs) style wankers male or female or both together, I mean he must join the ranks as the complete Toss-Pot President and a serious danger to the world FFS! From the first day of his presidency the draft dodging jerk has told well over 9000 lies so far confirmed by the New York Times and the entire media including Fox News who are bigger liars than Trump the man known as the biggest motor-mouthed Pinocchio in the world FFS! To call him a twat would be most disrespectful because most ‘twats’ are loved throughout the world FFS!
Any-ways up, we finally get into the Newquay Airport departures lounge to put yer pigging shoes on readjust your clothing and get rid of yer wedges ffs, then try to find a comfortable seat and await the first part of almost 10,000 miles of our round-trip holiday. We enjoy flying and we love people watching at the way they all live their lives but we do not intrude we just observe then forget. My first real entertainment of the holiday whilst her was reading a book was looking at this some large gorgeous young lady with long black flowing hair complimented her large but pretty face sitting opposite to me waiting for the Gatwick Flight, her was reading a book with one hand and over her shoulder her had a large bag inside was the biggest packet of Wotsits I have ever seen, every few seconds her other hand would dive into the Wotsits bag and her was scoffing then into her sensuous lips and gob handfuls of them without looking and was her some large or what? Her was wearing this tight as tight is brown pair of jeans and her had the biggest pair of thighs that I have ever seen either on a bloke or a woman FFS as I absent-mindedly (liar) observed all of this whilst looking at my fellow passengers FFS.
I nudged my Lou spraying the words behind my hand “have you theen the thighs of the thunder thighs thitting over there thweetheart ffs?” She scowled at me, I mean if the lady had been 80 my Lou would have found it very funny but because her were large and very-very pretty like Lou used to be ffs I get the most ridiculous Paddington stare ffs, I mean women where’s your sense of humour going nowadays, I mean what’s going on in your minds sometimes ffs, I mean can’t some of you dearest darling wives pull such horrible snarling and frightening ghostly stares with distorted gobs at times keeping us men totally under-control we are the hen-pecked Cornish husbands that’s what we is fs we seem to have ‘no rights at all’ as she with the faces of thunder which says “shut TFU right now FFS!” and we have to obey just for the sake of peace, but we do love them and we know we are always in the rights ffs?
The new love of my life got up I suppose to go for a pee as she smiled at me, I noticed she had all her own teeth her thundered past the ground rocked and the heavens opened as her left with an air of beauty and magnificence perfumed up to the eyeballs gone and away leaving her Wotsits behind on her seat. I mean lovely her were, my mind wandered as I thought about sitting next to her on the cheap and minuscule uncomfortable Fly-be seats where you really have to squeeze yer cheeks in for the entire flight ffs hopefully it would probably be difficult, I cannot imagine anything worse than being crushed by the feminine beauty of the new love in my life ‘thunder thighs’ clad in brown denims with her perfume that were gorgeous, now then I wouldn’t personally complain cos I would be loven it either being crushed into the window seat or having to push into her because someone wants to walk up the centre aisle ffs, carry on be my guests, or ‘what if’ someone doesn’t have a seat because say they have overbooked the flight I could perhaps sit on her lap or better still her could sit on my lap OMG I can’t move what a ferking wonderful way to die FFS! The most I can hope for is my Lou agreeing to seat changes, that aint going to happen, I would be loven it loven it, but I seriously reckon that if someone were to stick a pin-prick into one of her thighs she would have gone off to such a ferking great BANG every bugger in the airport would be fricking showered with Wotsits FFS! Did I say it already ‘her were lovely’ my total respect for women grows by the inches (which I must keep under control ffs!!) But even more fun was to come in Cuba, oh yes indeedy!

Thomas Cook Airlines & Holidays;
Part TWO!
We are now on the plane to CUBA and THOMAS COOK ought to be bloody ashamed of themselves developing such a ‘really hard-sell’ from the moment you step onto their plane, you are their captive audience for the next ten hours and they want to bleed you dry of yer dosh from their selling drinks then more drinks and don’t forget your ‘duty free goods’ (my bum, they are cheaper on eBay ffs) and yer wines & spirits which were cheaper at the ‘duty free’ shops at the Airport in Cuba than at Gatwick! Other airlines offer a ‘complimentary welcome drink’ for their loyal and devoted passengers. THOMAS COOK gave our flight passengers on their own Thomas Cook’s own aircraft an ‘unacceptable excuse complimentary drink’ because there were no in-flight entertainment facilities nor TV monitors working as anticipated by all in-flight passengers and their kids as they travel over 4000 pigging miles looking at a lifeless screen in front of you FFS? The TV system was not working amen, nothing THOMAS COOK Airlines could do or wanted to do about it FFS!! My belief is that all airlines build into the price of your flights for them ‘to provide’ the facility of in-flight entertainment’ if for some reason it is not available each and every flight passenger should get an on the spot minimum cash payment of £20.00 per adult person (double for kids) as compensation and as a refund for the ‘lack of anticipated services’ that would soon get Thomas Cook off their asses to ensure that their planes are fully operating for the loyal customers who have paid up-front assuming they would get 100% service without unacceptable disappointments contributing to a very boring start to every buggers holiday ffs!’
The really nice flight stewards worked tirelessly selling their wares and providing not very good tatty food allegedly FREE (no, it’s not free you have paid for it) as you fidget forever trying to get the stupid plastic wrapping off everything on the minuscule tray especially fighting to get the cheese wrapping off fs and when the coffee comes round and you’re juggling away where to put the frigging cup of near boiling hot coffee and you spill (like I did) the pigging hot contents onto yer nuts ffs right onto your very owned privates and it ferking hurts with her sitting there is ashamed of my conduct especially when I cannot wait for a pee and to see if any lifelong damage has been done to my crunchies (checking one-two-one-two) so it’s off to the loo in my pale blue coffee stained Chino’s with other passengers watching me coping with a bit or turbulence and a touch of the farts as they look at me and must have thought that I had either pissed or crapped myself because of the colour of the stain FFS! With no screens to watch I became the gossip of the plane FFS! Her sitting beside me was most certainly not amused (result or what fs) at my antics as her had covered her face with her scarf which was a great improvement ffs for me for the entire flight, there were some passengers kept walking by thinking she has either been done in by me or that her passed on FFS! Hilarious fun! Please note, I love and adore Lou so she does with me but we do have our occasional differences most of the time fs.
Nevertheless, the staff were lovely they were nice to passengers of all ages. There were several kids on the plane whose behaviour was impeccable and I thought ‘wouldn’t it be nice if the senior steward instead of some of the usual crap they have to talk say Let’s have nice a round of applause for our younger passengers who have been so good today on this long flight, thank you boys and girls and babies, and the parents haven’t done that bad neither! But that is typical me, I reckon they could play games of touch-screen Bingo (when it’s pigging working) with great prize money and Thomas Cook could take their share and make even bigger profits then perhaps they could make sure that their internal TV ‘entertainment’ passengers screens and films worked for at least some of this epic journey with nothing to watch, apologies are meaningless that’s why I thought ‘today’s kid’s = tomorrows customers’ were so well behaved. In-flight on-screen entertainment is taken for granted on all major airlines, no excuses! We heard the next flight passengers had no on-screen entertainment shame on you Thomas Cook, so if your pigging plane can fly hundreds of passengers thousands of miles to distant locations throughout this pigging world then surely an in-flight sound and touch-screen films and games with spares to keep the bloody system serviced and working without pathetic excuses which should apply to all flights! Childs play FFS! Don’t I bitch on a bit but right is right FFS!
I wanted to know what the score was with De Herb in Cuba the last thing I wanted to do is light up then get locked up so I had rolled up enough of my Farmers Blend and De Herb smokes rationing myself to just over five a day = 10. No poisons in your system with nicotine’s nor tobacco, you don’t need it man-woman, do yer though? Live longer should be your motto cigarettes though nice are deathly you should see the list of people who have been our customers for years who have died with lung cancer due to fags FFS!

Welcome to CUBA! Part Three; Now then, for some reason I thought that at the entrance into Cuba that they would want to see into our cases with police and uniformed security staff as I had my rolled-up smokes in a tin inside my case. I remember once going through St Kitts customs and was asked by a lovely Kittitian Security lady why I had been to St Kitts so many times ‘to see a friend’ she told me to open my case which was half full of kid’s clothes, that we had bought from the car boots plus a few small toys for my mate Chalawa’s grand-kids! Her opened the case ffs she found my tin with my smoke stuff her asked ‘What’s in this tin’ I said ‘it’s my smoke’ her opened the tin and replied ‘you shouldn’t do it’ I said “I shouldn’t drink Caribbean Rum but that is another of the reasons I come here to St Kitts” She took my passport noting I had been to St Kitts several times went away to speak to her boss then asked “Who are the presents for” I replied ‘for a friend and his family’ Who is the man? Chalawa! She immediately closed the case and said ‘You can go now’ Wow! Now then, Lee Miles off LTC Catering (a complete and total nervous wreck and wimpish during flying FFS) was with me he had gone through customs because of his good looks (he says) with no problems at all but he had to wait outside of the airport and sweat it out in the afternoon Caribbean sun waiting for me for about 20 minutes “fcuk me man where TF have you been FFS” he was beside himself when I told him “I got caught with my weed” ‘FFS’ said Lee ‘FFS man, now what are you going to do?’ Sweet nothing my bird sweet I just mentioned the name CHALAWA amen! Brilliant escape, I thought but truth is I think I detected the smell of Cannabis on the lovely security lady and she knew or her boss knew of Chalawa my mate ‘King of the Weed in St Kitts’ but that’s another story, and anyway 90% of Caribbean people have at some time in their lives done the weed Legalise it in t Kitts and the shy is the limit to ‘high success’ fs. Lee Miles who never was my mate from his own choosing “I don’t get into stuff like that not friendships, I don’t have friends, that’s not for me” says Miles. Hey Lee I wasn’t making a pass at you, what an amazing statement to make, I don’t have friends FFS? Anyway, he soon calmed down when he saw how beautiful the Kittitian women were and how two beauties who took an absolute fancy to him (he was good-looking in them there days-from a distance) any-ways up without telling tittle-tattle he scored with them big time? I was offered but not interested in any foursome being totally loyal to my Lou (well I was interested but castration was a distinct possibility if I went off the rails FFS) and, And I wasn’t entirely convinced that they there two beauties were not ‘lady-boys’ yer know wot I mean sport? whatever turns you on Lee my lover ‘got-cha’!! Anyway’s up, I didn’t see Mr Miles for a couple of days but that’s another story! Go Lee!! Mate? Now then, (don’t keep saying ‘now then) On arrival at Cuba Airport I was stunned nay amazed as it was the best and easiest Airport in the World the best I have ever known you simply hand in your completed entry form at the departure lounge after customs control then straight out of the Airport into the blazing sun with hardly any waiting for your cases and there to meet and greet you are Thomas Cook staff who tell you your coach number and off you go to witness the most boring unexplored countryside ever. The roads have hardly any other traffic apart from tourism vehicles and hundreds of underfed pony & traps or pony and carriages. People stand around in groups nothing much to do but watch the coachloads of holiday makers, they are not resentful they are ‘the nice people’ I do wish that all of the uneaten foods at these all-Inclusive hotels should be quickly shared amongst local communities instead of continuously re-offering it to holiday makers when the meats in particular look like it’s ‘passed on’ and its sell by date and has curled up and frigging died FFS. (Thomas Cook please note) Cuba is in a time warp from the days when Fidel Castro had his crap argument with America which has been since the late 1950-60s therefore Cuba is unfortunately a backward country with no real investments even though President Obama made efforts to heal the rifts and help to bring CUBA into the 21st century, nice try! That didn’t happen because that ignorant liar and criminal with verbal diarrhoea Donald Trump who has completely divided America shut the door on Cuba and its lovely people, and I do mean lovely people. Cuba has a very good Education and Health system but what the majority of the 15 million people miss out on in their lives is to live in our 21st century. The entire country needs massive investment to provide jobs housing and realistic wages for the many unemployed people. The hard-working waitresses and hotel staff who have children told us that sometimes their kids do not have bread for days and weeks they never ever get crisps or popcorn certainly no Wotsits nor Coca-Cola which are all deemed as luxuries mums and dads simply cannot afford. Really good highly trained staff at the hotels are paid ridiculously low wages of less than £100.00 per month so they do rely on tips which are totally shared. The Cuban kids look much healthier fitter and leaner than some of our beloved fatso kids of the same age, I fear they are not as happy deep down as some of our ungrateful overfed kids who have just about everything in life yet they still want and get more and a lot of them show little respects to mums and dads, the spoilt brats & buggers so they are, dear of them so to speak, but you do have to love them don’t you, or do you? That’ll be a nope then! Love you kids, tomorrows ‘mums and dads’ have fun but no babies until you are up and married dears which has nowt to do with me but you know the loneliness of single parentage is a distinct possibility my lovelies so ‘put something on it’ ffs, valve rubbers are available from the cycle shop for those who are not very well blessed ffs? For our last three holidays we stayed at the alleged ***** 5 Star Marriott Hotel is St Kitts in the Caribbean, on each return home Louise suffered ear infections, she went to the doctor told him ‘just back from holidays etc etc’ he asked “Have you been swimming where there is a pool bar?” sure enough that is where her infections started. So, we were unaware that people sitting in the pool at the pool bar were getting pissed out of their minds with heavy drinking and were not leaving the pool bar for up to 5/6 hours so instead of leaving the pool to have a piss whilst they slurp they piss their pee and any other bodily infections they might have through their swim-shorts or their bikini bottoms G-strings or their swimsuits out into the pools whilst non-stop drinking the dirty Bastards so they are. The urinal waste from these mindless idiots (pee-brains ffs) circulates through the entire pool hence doctors in the UK have to deal with all types of these ear nose and throat infections for all ages because the piss they piss mixes down through to all parts of the pool to unsuspecting mothers and fathers who are enjoying themselves with their young children who are swimming away happily totally unaware of the risks as some swim under water some playfully gobbing it off with getting mouthfuls of this toxic substance then spitting it into dad’s face ffs, that is what the Management call a swimming pool FFS!! Seems like a toilet to me? The dirty bastards so they are, not the management the piss artists!!! The docile irresponsible management of the hotel and of THOMAS COOK definitely know it’s happening but have decided do sod all about it!

Back to CUBA!
Part FOUR:
We arrive at Playa Costa Verde fully inclusive hotel, we have two rooms with 2nd floor balconies which were pleasantly furnished and very dated, it looks lovely and peaceful ideal for us as we need peace and quiet and privacy to forget all about home and Julia who is in safe hands. Lou loves TV I don’t so I can have my quiet smoke on the balconies take in the heat the atmosphere and rest up my painful legs ffs! I noticed to the right of the balcony there was a security guard who seemed to be watching people going to the beach but I took no notice for the time being. We unpacked our cases and prepared to go eat from the vast display of ‘fully inclusive’ foods set-up in a very large open-air restaurant. There was a huge display of what I would describe as ‘predictably boring whatisit junk food’ some people were wandering around dazed missing food at home fs aimlessly with empty dinner plates trying to get inspired and enthused with what’s on offer. The best food was to wait for half an hour whilst one lady person gets through her queue cooking steaks or various other dishes, well worth the wait while your partner has to sit alone ‘where tf have you been, ave yer bin chatting up I’m starving FFS’ is the welcome you get for waiting and waiting some more just to feed her or him, what absolute gratitude dearest! I am not referring to my Lou but I did overhear some bloke sounding off at his missus about keeping him waiting for his food to which the dear lady picked up her meal her knife and forked off to another table, quite right, get yer own food in future bum-face! Happy holiday to you two as well my lovelies, hilarious fun until Lou says “Let that be a lesson dear” WTF! Now what have I done wrong FFS? Any-ways up half way during the meal the most dreadful local and very untalented band of about 8 blokes featuring maracas horrific loud unmelodious singing with their own bongos ffs that struck up and played so loud that families could not relax from their day to eat their meals in peace nor could they relate nor talk to each other as any family conversations were drowned out by this dreadful crap poo unmusical music! Go away FFS the people are families having their meal, muted sympathy applause from the disturbed diners the only person who clapped with enthusiasm was the catering manager to try to enthuse his staff to clap instead of him facing the public or get behind the counters and help the cooking staff ffs or asking hotel residents “what do you really think of the food?” Whoever made the decision to invade people’s private meal times with their families who are supposed to be enjoying themselves accompanied with this painfully boring excuse called music night after night FFS! What a brilliant way to empty a restaurant, I cannot imagine if when I was the General Manager of Pontins at Brean Sands in Somerset (the boss don’t you know) say in the middle of family mealtimes I decide to put such an utter crap alleged local band music on there would be nearly a riot after the first song FFS but ‘they their buggers in Cuba’ sang for up to 14 of their pigging songs lasting 8 minutes each ffs. Enough is enough, what a bloody racket, I can cope no longer let’s leave the meal and go back to our room where there are two full bottles of rum white and dark and the fridge is stocked with lagers and soft drinks ‘all-inclusive’ don’t you know! We can sit on the balcony have a quiet drink and a chat and watch the world and the little white fluffy clouds go by and relax my pigging painful legs, then I can have a quiet peaceful smoke FFS.
This is true, it is night-time we open the door, both rooms are fully lit without turning the lights on fs we had left the curtains opened but we were stunned to see that there was a large floodlight outside illuminating both rooms FFS, I go on to the balcony and there is the security man, he waves, I don’t, what tf am I going to do when I want my quiet smoke on either of these balconies all illuminated for this pigging security man and I am livid and he is there all night long and all day long and the pigging spot light stays on all night till 6.30 am in the pigging morning FFS. I close the curtains the stuffing light still comes through the top of the poxy curtains we move around the room casting massive shadows across the ceiling FFS. No chance of a quick shag with this lot going on TTFFT-FFS! I go onto the balcony see the security man who I have nicknamed ‘slaps’ cos he keeps slapping his legs to keep himself awake ‘what TF am I doing here FFS?’ I light a smoke and immediately I am conscious that the warm breezes might waft my smoke in front of ‘slaps’ nose then he might swing into action and arrest me, great fun! I am thinking how can I put that effing light out, oh for a catapult or a cannon FFS! So here I am sitting against this pigging wall so no bugger can see me on this king illuminated balcony and Lou seeing my predicament knows me enough and her can see that I am getting seriously picking wound up so suggests that we hang towels over the balcony rails ‘then nobody will definitely not see you now see’ which is a mixture of Cornish and Geordie speak “Are you mad or summit I am not frigging hiding behind towels FFS” Her fetches the towels looks over the balcony she looks, he looks, he waves and to wind me up she waves FFS and I am getting so totally pissed off ‘go to king bed woman FFS I love you’

Part FIVE;
Peace at last, still in hiding, I smoke more than my ration but hey a rum and coke and then another one and with the soft Cuban breezes and fresh air and the warmth with waving trees and balcony towels and ferking all night floodlights, how romantic it that FFS, but my mind wanders the reaction to my body as the influence on a coupla spliffs then a couple more and of course rums and cokes takes over my system the relaxation is immense and I am pain free now I can now try to start taking in the wonderful Caribbean atmosphere. I am drifting back on to the plane or I am up there somewhere gliding amongst the little white fluffy clouds ffs the sounds and the drone of the engines is mixed up in my mind after the effects of de-weed man and the rum and coke is in my system soft music is playing in my mind good vibes abound FFS. I am at peace with the world, I don’t care personally but I think Fidel Castro could and should have left his country to move with the times into the 21st Century. What TF it’s got to do with me anyway who cares, now then, some frocking great moth has just tried to invade my space and share my behind the towels experience with me FFS, I blow smoke at it one two three, four that did it (animal cruelty) in the next 20 minutes the poor bugger cavorts all over the king place and seriously can’t take off ffs, it keeps forgetting to how to flap it’s wings ffs hilarious to watch as it crash-lands off the balcony onto a grasshopper, they shag all night long disappearing off into the long undergrowth FFS. It’s getting light the moth is back shagged out but both are still alive, grasshopper covered in moth sperm hops away wondering WTF has just hoppened to me? Mad or what FFS?
Suddenly the ferking floodlight is turned off it’s getting lighter coming into view are hundreds of trees and a pathway to the hotel private beach showing up against the brightening skies as day breaks in the woods the lake which is now alive with full-on bird-life as they start to awaken with a huge variety of songs and shrills accompanied by the croaking of frogs. The white fluffy clouds and blue sky indicate that it is going to be hot sunshine and I want it to waft into our bodies cos we both need our batteries re-charging so who GsAF about the sodding floodlight and ‘slaps’ I get up he waves, I couldn’t, GAFY you twit! I mean it’s not his fault really, it’s his job, the pigging floodlight is a major problem?
Now then, I saw something that nobody ever else saw see! Early one morning just as the sun were rising the security man had gone off to be replaced by 4 bulky bouncer type men who were standing at the entrance to the beach. They were waiting for a small boat which had arrived, there were two large heavy black valise bags which were taken off the boat escorted and carried and hidden behind the fencing supporting the walkway to the beach, could it be drugs Le Herb-weed Cannabis or the dreaded Cocaine I ask myself, thank god for the towels dear I don’t want they there buggers to see me as the only witness, they may even have to silence me FFS. Now there are five bulky fit looking men well overdressed for the holiday mood, a conversation takes place the two valises reminded me of the ones used in St Kitts to carry several kilos of the best quality weed in the world man? The valises are dragged out of hiding and handed to one of the men who carries the two bags walking rapidly with a wiggle in his walk some 250 yards never looking back but the weight of the valises and his clenched cheeks slowed him down but shagged out he finally reached a man who were waiting for him with a donkey and cart ffs, the now puffed out totally knackered man climbed aboard with the two valises (one at a time-hurry up ffs) and then they revved up and fucked off at great speed to the far end of our hotel up into the hills and beyond far-far away FFS! ‘Gee up Neddy’ and gone over more hills and even further away completely out of sight FFS. The 4 large men disappeared and the security man returned to slap his thighs. Now then, you might say that I have imagined it because you were stoned, no nope that is not right, and I reckon it was probably a drugs-run where the penalty in Cuba is life imprisonment or being hung by the boll-ox ffs (paedophile style) but then it could have been someone’s grandma’s body or her ashes, who knows, who effing cares FFS! I don’t, but any ways up it happened twice the second time I told Lou to witness what was happening I didn’t listen to her babbling on too much but I got the jist of her message ‘You are off your trolley ffs’ so very rude so she is, I know mummy is off her trolley darling but in the next few minutes my Lou examines the evidence and now wants to write a pigging book about it!

Taking the piss with Thomas Cook!
Part SIX;
We decided to take up sun-beds behind the FREE POOL bar for easy access to drinks and I wanted to see if the Marriott ‘pool bar pissing’ habits were prevalent in the Thomas Cook hotels. The noises from the bar majority English are from loud mouthed pissed-up drinkers do our country a great disservice (they sound like southerners to me my but not as far down as here in the South-West of Cornwall my lovelies) they are a crowd of 25 adults plus some kids waiting for their parents to take them to a better place ffs! They were indeed drinking it in and pissing it out into the pool where the pool water will wash down to where the young swimmers were enjoying themselves oblivious of the risks. That is outrageous and disgusting behaviour swimming in the polluted water regretfully into the eyes and ears and mouths of young children and infections. I watched and listened to the drunken crowds, I saw clouds of dangerous toxic yellow urine discharged into the ocean blue swimming pool without a care in the world, so why TF isn’t something done about it, at Butlins and Pontins we used to ‘chuck out’ offenders but THOMAS COOK and the MARRIOTT GROUP and other major Holiday Hotel Groups seem to turn a blind eye but maybe they will wake up one day when someone sues them for fortunes because they have a duty of care for their ‘customers Health & Safety’ and they should have the decency to protect all customers from such infectious risks’ Had I of been managing the situation I would most definitely speak with all of the people at the bar by public announcement if necessary (in English) telling them I had received complaints about people urinating in the bar pool, I am not pointing fingers nor accusing any person/s in particular. I would also tell them to get out of the pool while the pool water will recirculate in the interest of Public Health & Safety (security to oversee if necessary) They can take their drinks to the rear of the bar, I am closing the poolside bar but drinks would still be available at the other end of this POOL bar.
I believe all travel companies should inform all customers when they are booking holidays that ‘this hotel is predominantly for Spanish guests, 90% of public announcements from the stage were in Spanish ffs and the majority of those announcements were in ‘screeching Spanish’ so if you are wanting a quiet afternoon with your kids around you playing happy families by the pool in a urine free zone you can forget it at this THOMAS COOK recommended hotel my bird. The shrill announcements, no English (well nothing sounded like English) apart from one compere who only knew the words “Oh my goodness me” he did he know WTF they meant “Oh my goodness me”! The speakers are deafening showing absolutely no respect to the holidaymakers getting together as families the last thing they want to hear is some screeching Spanish dear lady spieling out a whole load of old ballcocks ffs and what a brilliant way to empty the pool area FFS! One of the Market traders came to me with hand written raffle tickets to sell for me to win something wonderful from her stall which I refused to buy (nice little fiddle-nobody ever wins FFS) (definitely not allowed in the UK) she then spent half an hour jabbering on about her raffle on the loud mike in Spanish of course the gobby moo! I can cope no more it is time for us to leave the pool but before we go, we look at the children’s paddling pools where there were ill fitting replacement tiles some tiles completely missing in small areas, how very bloody dangerous. Surely Thomas Cook are aware of the serious lack of maintenance at this All-Inclusive Holiday Centre as part of its ‘duty of care’ for my fellow holidaymakers fs. They should also be aware that some of the low standards of cleanliness in parts of the public arena would result in the Hotel being closed down here in the UK. We went to the private beach (which I don’t agree with, all beaches are for all of the people) the beach was littered with small plastic cups some drifting out to sea ffs!
We noticed that some of the sun-beds are covered with a heavy duty blue material were absolutely and disgustingly manky rotten filthy from ground-in dirty feet, foot scabs, toe nail clippings sun lotions or creams, dead peeled skin, foods, hot sweats, wet farts, snots or any other bodily dribbles you care to think of but man they were gross filthied up to fcuk so they were by courtesy of and ignored by THOMAS COOK holidays. They need jet washing, so do the sunbeds FFS! Enough is enough, I am not staying here right!!

Let’s Move;
Part SEVEN;
I make an appointment to see the Thomas Cook rep a very nice gentleman. I asked that my wife and I would like to transfer away from this hotel to upgrade to another as the standards of cleanliness are very poor, adults are urinating in the pool, I have the security floodlighting on all night lighting up our rooms, the food is not very nice and I object to being overseen by a security person day and night.” In fairness they offered us another room at the same hotel which we rejected. The Thomas Cook rep arranged for us to see two other hotels, we decide on the Five Star Playa Pasquero. We are assured that the bungalow we will be staying is the very best. Our suit cases are whisked away and put outside the bungalow. We get into a ten-seater silent electric buggy which ‘all drive too fast’ around the accommodation and the most impressive gardens, waiting outside the bungalow in his 4-seater electric silent buggy is some flunky who welcomes us outside the property as he has to give us a guided tour of two rooms ffs! We are knackered from the last few days I am and can be a miserable rude outspoken old git at times so this is all I need what a load of bollocks after our previous experience I would like Lou and I to be alone with our own key so respectfully you can FORN-FFS! (I thought) I have never needed a pigging guide to show me around a figging bedroom before! “Hello, my name is Pepe” he shakes hands “I am your personal butler (WALOBs) for your entire stay here so if there is anything absolutely anything (he looks me up and down) (was that an offer?) anything just anything you want me to just call me on 5555 and I will personally reply, so what FFS. Also, at no extra cost he will open your suitcases and put all your personal clothes yer shoes and yer sweaty sandals and yer skiddy grundies and yer vibrators and yer gel and a coupla weeks gutkers (large knickers) in the right drawers if you wish. That’ll be a ‘no thank-you’ then! He shows us how the taps work (wow) (do we look stupid or summit) on the double jacuzzi, he wanted to chat, I didn’t so Butler brought in our cases then he fuct off so to speak! I believe he was hoping for a tip but I usually tip just before I leave so he’s got a long wait fs. What a plonker “I am your Butler” No you are definitely not my butler that bloody reminds me of that bloody-bleeding blokie from Tunisia ‘I am, hat your service sir’ for two frigging weeks FFS!! Next morning, we leave the bungalow at 8.30 for breakfast, Butler is waiting in his silent buggy to take us to the restaurant saying he had waited from 8.00 am, now how tf were we to know? Sorry, No tip again, no Cuban currency yet Butler Pepe! Rarely saw him since? Apart from on the day we left.
The bungalow had a very comfortable super-duper 7ft king size bed (we never met up for the entire holiday ffs) with an outdoor balcony overlooking trees and a river beyond, a built-in leather three quarter clad bed with pillow leather rolls both ends top to bottom great for tanning and looking at each other from all the sexy angles possible contort at your pleasure that’s if you are that way inclined (I am but…) The really large jacuzzi that my dear wife turned the bathroom into a shower room on our first night by turning everything on without enough water for the jacuzzi jets to operate properly, hilarious fun Lou and I’m not clearing up the mess neither pet or shall I call my Butler FFS! The very best part of the bungalow was through a door from the bathroom were a large open-air outdoor shower 20 feet x 12 feet complete with garden and plants no roof so you can lie Pollock naked to the outside world completely open to the skies and a brilliant ‘I am alone’ sun-trap during the day with belting hot sun and water from the shower cascading over your perfect figure including your fat and leanly bits and yer gangly bits and ‘your arse that if only you could really see WTF yours looks like Ffs? And any other parts you may have so to speak! There is no mirror to remind yourself of your real figure so let it all hang out sod it, the brilliant large rain-water shower from cold to all heats complimented this luxury shower so you can shower and play with yourselves to your hearts content my lovers and nobody could GAF cos nobody else in the world knows ffs and I mean it’s either alone for all sexes for males and females and those who are not sure, I found it great fun for one most of the time (wait till her goes to sleep, I can take this one alone TQ) ‘I had to be alone’ nobody would want to share a shower with me at 4.00 am in the pigging morning TTFFT-FFS!!! My big turn on was after a couple of Cuban rum & cokes then a couple more and of course a couple of smokes and then a couple more then showering hot then cold then bollocks to the cold ffs turn up the heat cos ‘the heat is on as of the now with the pleasantly warm rainfall showers completes the comfort zones refreshing all parts of your body totally unseen by the whole outside world apart from the stars and the moon which are right up there somewhere and the only witnesses to your fancies and feelies. Up above my head I hear voices and soft music in the air so fcuk it lets enjoy with the total full moon up above my head I mean, stoned or what crazy man crazy (trouble is I cannot keep my smoke alight in the shower ffs) the moon stayed with me for almost ten days in its various shapes, best shower in the world either jointly or solo gay or straight, yer know what I’m saying sport! Climatic fun for one so to speak! I was once told that if I kept playing with myself, I would die, I don’t care if I do die do die do die!