Welcome to CUBA Part 6

Taking the piss with Thomas Cook!
Part SIX;
We decided to take up sun-beds behind the FREE POOL bar for easy access to drinks and I wanted to see if the Marriott ‘pool bar pissing’ habits were prevalent in the Thomas Cook hotels. The noises from the bar majority English are from loud mouthed pissed-up drinkers do our country a great disservice (they sound like southerners to me my but not as far down as here in the South-West of Cornwall my lovelies) they are a crowd of 25 adults plus some kids waiting for their parents to take them to a better place ffs! They were indeed drinking it in and pissing it out into the pool where the pool water will wash down to where the young swimmers were enjoying themselves oblivious of the risks. That is outrageous and disgusting behaviour swimming in the polluted water regretfully into the eyes and ears and mouths of young children and infections. I watched and listened to the drunken crowds, I saw clouds of dangerous toxic yellow urine discharged into the ocean blue swimming pool without a care in the world, so why TF isn’t something done about it, at Butlins and Pontins we used to ‘chuck out’ offenders but THOMAS COOK and the MARRIOTT GROUP and other major Holiday Hotel Groups seem to turn a blind eye but maybe they will wake up one day when someone sues them for fortunes because they have a duty of care for their ‘customers Health & Safety’ and they should have the decency to protect all customers from such infectious risks’ Had I of been managing the situation I would most definitely speak with all of the people at the bar by public announcement if necessary (in English) telling them I had received complaints about people urinating in the bar pool, I am not pointing fingers nor accusing any person/s in particular. I would also tell them to get out of the pool while the pool water will recirculate in the interest of Public Health & Safety (security to oversee if necessary) They can take their drinks to the rear of the bar, I am closing the poolside bar but drinks would still be available at the other end of this POOL bar.
I believe all travel companies should inform all customers when they are booking holidays that ‘this hotel is predominantly for Spanish guests, 90% of public announcements from the stage were in Spanish ffs and the majority of those announcements were in ‘screeching Spanish’ so if you are wanting a quiet afternoon with your kids around you playing happy families by the pool in a urine free zone you can forget it at this THOMAS COOK recommended hotel my bird. The shrill announcements, no English (well nothing sounded like English) apart from one compere who only knew the words “Oh my goodness me” he did he know WTF they meant “Oh my goodness me”! The speakers are deafening showing absolutely no respect to the holidaymakers getting together as families the last thing they want to hear is some screeching Spanish dear lady spieling out a whole load of old ballcocks ffs and what a brilliant way to empty the pool area FFS! One of the Market traders came to me with hand written raffle tickets to sell for me to win something wonderful from her stall which I refused to buy (nice little fiddle-nobody ever wins FFS) (definitely not allowed in the UK) she then spent half an hour jabbering on about her raffle on the loud mike in Spanish of course the gobby moo! I can cope no more it is time for us to leave the pool but before we go, we look at the children’s paddling pools where there were ill fitting replacement tiles some tiles completely missing in small areas, how very bloody dangerous. Surely Thomas Cook are aware of the serious lack of maintenance at this All-Inclusive Holiday Centre as part of its ‘duty of care’ for my fellow holidaymakers fs. They should also be aware that some of the low standards of cleanliness in parts of the public arena would result in the Hotel being closed down here in the UK. We went to the private beach (which I don’t agree with, all beaches are for all of the people) the beach was littered with small plastic cups some drifting out to sea ffs!
We noticed that some of the sun-beds are covered with a heavy duty blue material were absolutely and disgustingly manky rotten filthy from ground-in dirty feet, foot scabs, toe nail clippings sun lotions or creams, dead peeled skin, foods, hot sweats, wet farts, snots or any other bodily dribbles you care to think of but man they were gross filthied up to fcuk so they were by courtesy of and ignored by THOMAS COOK holidays. They need jet washing, so do the sunbeds FFS! Enough is enough, I am not staying here right!!

Reply to

Welcome to CUBA; Part seven

Let’s Move;
I make an appointment to see the Thomas Cook rep a very nice gentleman. I asked that my wife and I would like to transfer away from this hotel to upgrade to another as the standards of cleanliness are very poor, adults are urinating in the pool, I have the security floodlighting on all night lighting up our rooms, the food is not very nice and I object to being overseen by a security person day and night.” In fairness they offered us another room at the same hotel which we rejected. The Thomas Cook rep arranged for us to see two other hotels, we decide on the Five Star Playa Pasquero. We are assured that the bungalow we will be staying is the very best. Our suit cases are whisked away and put outside the bungalow. We get into a ten-seater silent electric buggy which ‘all drive too fast’ around the accommodation and the most impressive gardens, waiting outside the bungalow in his 4-seater electric silent buggy is some flunky who welcomes us outside the property as he has to give us a guided tour of two rooms ffs! We are knackered from the last few days I am and can be a miserable rude outspoken old git at times so this is all I need what a load of bollocks after our previous experience I would like Lou and I to be alone with our own key so respectfully you can FORN-FFS! (I thought) I have never needed a pigging guide to show me around a figging bedroom before! “Hello, my name is Pepe” he shakes hands “I am your personal butler (WALOBs) for your entire stay here so if there is anything absolutely anything (he looks me up and down) (was that an offer?) anything just anything you want me to just call me on 5555 and I will personally reply, so what FFS. Also, at no extra cost he will open your suitcases and put all your personal clothes yer shoes and yer sweaty sandals and yer skiddy grundies and yer vibrators and yer gel and a coupla weeks gutkers (large knickers) in the right drawers if you wish. That’ll be a ‘no thank-you’ then! He shows us how the taps work (wow) (do we look stupid or summit) on the double jacuzzi, he wanted to chat, I didn’t so Butler brought in our cases then he fuct off so to speak! I believe he was hoping for a tip but I usually tip just before I leave so he’s got a long wait fs. What a plonker “I am your Butler” No you are definitely not my butler that bloody reminds me of that bloody-bleeding blokie from Tunisia ‘I am, hat your service sir’ for two frigging weeks FFS!! Next morning, we leave the bungalow at 8.30 for breakfast, Butler is waiting in his silent buggy to take us to the restaurant saying he had waited from 8.00 am, now how tf were we to know? Sorry, No tip again, no Cuban currency yet Butler Pepe! Rarely saw him since? Apart from on the day we left.
The bungalow had a very comfortable super-duper 7ft king size bed (we never met up for the entire holiday ffs) with an outdoor balcony overlooking trees and a river beyond, a built-in leather three quarter clad bed with pillow leather rolls both ends top to bottom great for tanning and looking at each other from all the sexy angles possible contort at your pleasure that’s if you are that way inclined (I am but…) The really large jacuzzi that my dear wife turned the bathroom into a shower room on our first night by turning everything on without enough water for the jacuzzi jets to operate properly, hilarious fun Lou and I’m not clearing up the mess neither pet or shall I call my Butler FFS! The very best part of the bungalow was through a door from the bathroom were a large open-air outdoor shower 20 feet x 12 feet complete with garden and plants no roof so you can lie Pollock naked to the outside world completely open to the skies and a brilliant ‘I am alone’ sun-trap during the day with belting hot sun and water from the shower cascading over your perfect figure including your fat and leanly bits and yer gangly bits and ‘your arse that if only you could really see WTF yours looks like Ffs? And any other parts you may have so to speak! There is no mirror to remind yourself of your real figure so let it all hang out sod it, the brilliant large rain-water shower from cold to all heats complimented this luxury shower so you can shower and play with yourselves to your hearts content my lovers and nobody could GAF cos nobody else in the world knows ffs and I mean it’s either alone for all sexes for males and females and those who are not sure, I found it great fun for one most of the time (wait till her goes to sleep, I can take this one alone TQ) ‘I had to be alone’ nobody would want to share a shower with me at 4.00 am in the pigging morning TTFFT-FFS!!! My big turn on was after a couple of Cuban rum & cokes then a couple more and of course a couple of smokes and then a couple more then showering hot then cold then bollocks to the cold ffs turn up the heat cos ‘the heat is on as of the now with the pleasantly warm rainfall showers completes the comfort zones refreshing all parts of your body totally unseen by the whole outside world apart from the stars and the moon which are right up there somewhere and the only witnesses to your fancies and feelies. Up above my head I hear voices and soft music in the air so fcuk it lets enjoy with the total full moon up above my head I mean, stoned or what crazy man crazy (trouble is I cannot keep my smoke alight in the shower ffs) the moon stayed with me for almost ten days in its various shapes, best shower in the world either jointly or solo gay or straight, yer know what I’m saying sport! Climatic fun for one so to speak! I was once told that if I kept playing with myself, I would die, I don’t care if I do die do die do die!

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Welcome to CUBA; Part Eight

Welcome to the Thomas Cook approved Piss Pool!
Part Eight;
We had a look around the most impressive pool area which had a free bar with ten seats inside the pool for customers. The main attraction was the 4 thatched cottage style open air double beds which I called the ‘playpens’ in front were two bed-chairs so you monopolised the whole area more or less. I noticed that towels were placed to reserve the ‘playpens’ so Geoff was awake at 4.00 o’clock each morning to put out towels on the ‘playpen’ (just like the German’s used to in the old days, still do) every day from day two till our last day that was total luxury, the pool man made sure our mattresses and towels were kept ready from 8.00 am for our early morning swim with clean urine-free ridden germs, we gave him a good tip which he was well worth. We could observe all the activities in the pool and at the bar. At the other end of the pool play-pen number 2 and his missus were most definitely going for their early morning shags in public and couldn’t seem to GAF who saw them, I did! Nothing big to report apart from his hairy arse going at it 90 pence to the half-crown and her screaming “give me some more-is that all you have got FFS!”
We are very quiet people on holiday because we love resting-up and observing people, we have been accused of being snobs, we are not but we do seriously keep ourselves to ourselves and rarely talk to others, we talk and reply pleasantries only. We don’t want to know other people’s problems we have enough of our own FFS! We reckon that having as many as 400,000 customers at our Car Boots every year so we want to just keep to each other. Our people are the lovely Cornish people and their visitors we have plenty of time for them.
The break from caring for mother in law has been absolutely essential. When you have spent 30 years in a wonderful up down in out partnership then suddenly you take on the responsibility of caring for someone who has Dementia the decision takes a massive blow on a marriage. Would I do it again? ‘Yes, Julia, Lou’s mother is a nice person I have a lot of patience with her, now then would my Lou ‘do it again?’ That’ll be a NOPE then!! Back to the story, people have constantly wanted to chat to us over the years because they realise that there is an age difference between Lou and I, all they want to know is all the gossip so to speak. There aint no gossip so to speak, we have been together for over 30 years Louise is my 4th and current wife so far, love is still in the air! x but that’s another story?
The food at this hotel is excellent breakfast lunch and evening meal with lovely waitresses and waiters in fact all members of staff were brilliant and dedicated to their jobs. On day 4 there were about 20 people laying on sunbeds beside the pool, the waft of cannabis is in the air (not from me, I don’t smoke in public) (only on balconies hiding behind pigging towels with moths as company don’t you know FFS) when this loud mouthed new arrival probably 65 years old+ fat B’stard of a Londoner making his big entrance with marbles for brains shouted as he looks at the assembled holiday-makers enjoying the sun on their sunbeds “By the sights I see here most of you lot should be in the bloody gym not lying about here” ‘WAF insult take a look at your slobby self’ nobody rose to the occasion by pushing the idiot into the pool that he would contaminate for every day he stays in this hotel as he waddled towards the pool bar. Here we have a total motor-mouthed gob-shite and his gobby wife (you always get one at least on holiday who want to be the big gobs of the day, every effing day FFS) He/she are the two persons to avoid at all costs as he goes to the bar end of the pool he gets into the pool with his dreaded wife they both start drinking from 11 until after 4 with others ‘mouthing it off’ with the drinks they are are a flowing but neither of them and others who joined them leave the pool for up to five hours and they are drinking it in volumes and are pissing out volumes into the pool so it is without doubt that wherever hotels operated by THOMAS COOK where there are ‘all-inclusive free pool bars’ in Cuba that they shall and do allow people to urinate into their pools. Louise went to reception to advise the head receptionist of our ‘Public Health’ concerns, she was told “I will put a memo about this so that the manager will see it in the morning” Nothing was done. I believe the message was given to ‘I am your butler’ PEPE who wasn’t on the same page as the rest of the staffing teams’ which he dismissed our complaint from then and in his own way tried to turn the staff to ignore us. I had the last laugh by giving his tip to one of the security guards right under his nose and the security man was so delighted he kept shaking hands with me in excitement you would have thought I had given him fifty quid; I did, follow that my Butler. On my original complaint to the THOMAS COOK agent I told him of my concerns and now here we have the five-star Islands Playa Pasquero where the same offensive offence happens on a permanent daily basis against their THOMAS COOK’S devoted customers and the entire Management Team are totally aware of the risks to their customers health and have decided they will do sweet FA about it FFS. I would like to but I am on holiday and in reality, it is none of my business, yes, it is I speak for me my Lou and why not my fellow holiday-makers?

Reply to

Welcome to CUBA; Part 9


Part NINE;

Because we did not know for certain that we would be having this respite holiday we didn’t buy Antihistamines to deal with the possibilities of mosquito bites, the little bastards they certainly do like the taste of British blood FFS and their way of showing their total appreciation for taking a smidgen of your blood is to leave you with a bump the size of a small nipple that will itch like fcuk forever FFS unless you scratch the pigging heads off the bite and the incessant figging itching will last for what seems like an eternity until you get the next bite ffs! I couldn’t cope so I demanded that we get some pills. We went to the main reception and got only one packet of similar to Antihistamines for me. I wanted to buy a packet for both of us but my dear Lou said she would manage which is what her tight fistedness does for she cos her had more bites on she than pin pricks on a second-hand dartboard all over her body FFS and her complained non-stop about ‘the little bastard mossies’ to which I expressed very little sympathy, “Whatever! I told you so” only infuriated her more, I cannot win whichever way the wind blows! Ffs.
So right, this is where I am, I have written a letter of complaints to THOMAS COOK my complaint reference is TC-00554381 so that means they have had five hundred and fifty four thousand three hundred and eighty one complaints before mine ffs. I find it hard to believe that they are unaware of the poor standards of cleanliness at The Playa Costa Verde. THOMAS COOK has not replied to date which means they DO CONDONE PISSING into the bar pools at any of their chosen hotels FFS!! It is only in the public interest that I raise the questions about their customers of THOMAS COOK and their health & safety at this hotel. Poor reception welcome and an awful welcome drink. Brilliant gardens, great staff generally, poor approach by reception and management over the entire complex! Accommodation 3-star! Really? Food and service poor but waitresses and 90% of all staff are so the best in the Caribbean, yeh! Food wise, if you are staying for more than a week you just wannabe home, empty your system on yer own bog fs have a shower or a layabouts wash-down which is quick wash to all the parts you can reach then fcuk the rest of de body ffs! Or have a bath and look down at the unemployed and saying how can I get more work for this because it is such fun with two, not one ffs? Now then get a plate of decent egg ham and home-made chips with proper tomato sauce ffs or a home-made pasty or a takeaway or in Lou’s case she craved the luxury of a few packets of crisps, not available in Cuba, luxury mate, bleeding luxury! No fun, no real entertainments certainly not for the Brits. Drinks were good!
The 5 Star Playa Pasquero deserves its five-star rating the food was exceptional breakfast lunch and evening meal. The entire restaurant and bar staff were brilliant with waitresses coming around the pool with free (inclusive) drinks ice creams and other goodies and when you have got a playpen and the sun becomes too much just get onto the huge king-size bed out of the sun, lay there, shut TFU and relax man, sleep, no chance of that for the gobbing off from motor-mouths Mr & Mrs Piss-piss can be overheard from the pool bar! Best and only time to swim is first thing 8.00 am when you get into the pool alone when the clear pool water has been cleansed and urine free TTFFT FFS!!
Back to the Airport going home TTFFT-FFS!
On the coach back to the airport we stopped at another hotel where a group of about twenty women took over the rear of the coach all mates or related and of all ages. They had all been on holiday for two weeks, they claimed that they had all lost weight and the majority of them said that the food was crap but I suspect and hoped they did their fair share of drinking all paid for in advance go for it my ladies I would have loved to have spent a couple of days near to them just for the laughs ffs. They apparently got into a near punch-up when security had to be involved all because someone was rude to someone’s mother calling her an ‘ugly fat cow’ or an ‘fat ugly cow’ well you meet all sorts don’t you, let’s call out security ‘cos my mother is not an ugly fat cow’ (not from a distance anyway) (well now, that’s a matter of opinion FFS) (don’t be rude Geffers) great fun, get a life! When drink is in sometimes stupidity reigns, all good amusement but handbags dear handbags! FFS! They had invented a brilliant ‘Xmissy.com’ game played on their second week for two teams where they all had to come up with as many names as possible for a man’s Willy & the other team has to come up with as many names as possible for a lady’s Pussy, they have got to describe how the name fits the rules, rude but howls of laughter by them and us they couldn’t see our faces without doubt the best entertainment of 3 weeks with them deciding that the best and most polite name for a woman’s fairy should be ‘The Runway’ how sweet and respectful! I suppose the chat up line must be ‘Can I park my Jet inside your runway for a short while please’ You dirty sod Geffers! But I shall forever remember the thighs of thunder-thighs at Newquay Airport FFS! Anyway, these ladies were just enjoying their crudity they knew they were entertaining others in the coach and from listening to them I got the impression that half of them would go back to Cuba again, a lot of these are regular customers to CUBA who have built up friendships with the weather and the lovely time warped people who work in the hotels so several holidaymakers take presents galore that will end up as luxuries in the homes of their Cuban friends. Nice one! Lovely gesture. The Brits rule. Bless up. X

Reply to

WELCOME to CUBA and Cornwall

Part 10
Back in yer own bed fs!
We have been to the most of the Caribbean but there was so little to do at the hotels we stayed at with very little outside attractions for the people. The most outstanding surprise is just how very nice the people are the waitresses the bar staff the gardeners we never witnessed any dissent between the hundreds of staff who mostly worked very happily together, shame we Brits aren’t more like that. My personal opinion of Cuba is that the weather and the lovely local people who look after you are the huge bonuses to the holiday industry in Castro-land but there was not a lot to do unless you wanted to go by taxi which would have every chance of breaking down either due to the ages of the vehicles or the bumpy holes in the main roads or you can go by an underfed horse and cart or a pony and trap to take you to see some local house to which from all accounts is totally boring. But the dear ladies in their group of twenty had it all sorted out, let’s just enjoy ourselves be happy and smutty together, have a few drinks for fun and laughter then a few more tipples and if the food wasn’t all that good well you’ve lost weight so that must be a bonus’ my lovelies but my lasting thoughts are that we certainly would not-not go back to CUBA! Although we topped up the tan and had a comfortable part 2 of the holiday. We normally book our holidays through the Internet without an agency THOMAS COOK is such an agency that we certainly would not recommend. Whilst we did not go the capital Havana just to see a few more old cars and a town and its people in a permanent time warp is not our scene. With moving CUBA into the 21st Century the country could and would become a World Class holiday location with massive outside investment or in a dream world the perfect environment for growing and legalising Cannabis which aint gonna happen. The Cubans they are lovely people great weather but not worth the day and a half travelling time both ways from the homeland of Cornwall to Cuba particularly the Costa Verde Hotel allegedly a flagship of THOMAS COOK Holidays.
Playa Pasquero well worth it’s ***** rating apart from their ‘free to piss’ policy?
To my readers of these blogs thank-you I love you all now stop moaning, sorry but I was having a break from writing, I have another much longer story written and forgotten now being updated since 2005 the year when my lovely wife nearly caused my early demise ffs coming soon. Thank you. Geoff X
Now then back to the real-world we are back to learn that Julia had apparently been crying a lot allegedly missing her daughter and me Says Julia, calling me ‘my Geoff!’ oh no, I’m not ffs, but for her own reasons she normally ignores my Lou and to muddy the waters she was so delighted to see me with her loving smiles (it’s indigestion) but of course she was cos I have so much patience with her, she’s got Dementia ffs, let her be herself and let her do her own thing, don’t worry, be happy, love you my Lou, now it’s back to reality, “Drink something Julia or you will dehydrate and die ffs. X

Reply to

SATURDAY Very HIGH winds all over West Cornwall today with poor forecast from BBC the winds win so it is in the Public Safety interests that we have cancelled today at MITCHELL! really Sorry. FRIDAY we made the wrong decision to cancel Falmouth today and I apologise for any inconvenience caused to both buyers and sellers. The overnight rain was heavy and at 9.30 am it was raining in St Columb also at Falmouth, we were aware of the BBC forecast suggesting between 60 and 80% chances of rain and as Nigel was on the spot at Falmouth he suggested that we should cancel the Car Boot Sale! Sorry, Sorry, Sorry! Geoff ………………………………….
Read, Geoff Says coming soon a full short story of 26 pages of our respite Holiday to CUBA and THOMAS COOK holidays failures and the hotel we refused to stay at after 5 days plus getting away from mother in law Julia who has Dementia, OMG the relief! Would we recommend THOMAS COOK HOLIDAYS? That’ll be a Nope then. High dramas in a must be read story from MONDAY 29th April. Geoff Says. X

Reply to

Posted 26/10/2018

SATURDAY at MITCHELL is CANCELLED due to weather SUNDAYS Car Boot Sale at TRURO will go ahead
Sorry but Mitchell is cancelled for Saturday due to the heavy rainfall expected during our working hours, Sunday Car Boot Sale at TRURO as 1.30 pm will go ahead. Starting this YEAR Car Boot Sales on SUNDAY mornings at 9.00 am then the second Car Boot at the same location TRURO will still be on at 1.30pm. Calling all children run your own Toy-Fair stall. Here is a big opportunity and a challenge for all you young kids to tidy your bedrooms up and sort out all the toys you do not want any more, clean them up find their original boxes if possible. Plan how much you will charge for the toys so you can make yourself some cash (dosh) to buy mum & dad Chrissy Presies (what a lovely thought) then ask mum or dad to bring you to the Car Boot Sale and if your car is at least HALF-FULL of toys I will only charge you £4.00 to sell but if you are rich and have an estate car or a 4 x 4 I will reduce the selling charge to £5.00! Now then girls and lads when you arrive it is you that has to ask for the discount your driver must not ask on your behalf see. Anyway, I will take a look at the stalls and the best one will get a FREE to sell stall for your next visit. We had a lad last year who loaded up his dads car and he to took over £140.00 in two hours! So it’s all up to you the offer is there, use it don’t abuse it-that’s my job!! Next thing is for you’all to make sure that some cheeky bugger does NOT STEAL anything FROM YOUR STALL. Be alert pay attention and be a business person for the day,you should enjoy it!! Money, money, DOSH!! Adults, help the kids out with this one please, have a good clear out with them! How many time have you said “clear out all these toys FFS” ffs = ‘fer flips sake for the kids’ but for adults it’s the real FFS!! Enjoy Saturday it’s gonna piss down! Geoff X

Reply to

Posted; Home Page 20/09/2018

THURSDAY that’s TODAY Newquay Car Boot Sales is CANCELLED due to weather so today you can just talk to each other!!
Sorry about the weather but the grounds need some heavy rain for a day or so, forecast is not good for the next three/four days so why not do an autumn ‘spring clean’ from the top of the house to the bottom collecting on the way a pile of stuff-crap you do not need to keep so box them all up to sell at your next Car Boot Sale for maybe some snotty little brat (or a brat adult male or female) to come and steal off you if you are not careful. Cos that’s wot is gonna happen if you are not concentrating. Geoff

Reply to

Posted: 13/09/2018

LAST PENRYN this SUNDAY £5.00 starts at 3.00 pm!! Watch out someone wants to steal from you? ……………………………………….
This is the last Sunday for PENRYN which has been a miserable season due to several weeks of delay through pitch problems and poor weather………………………………..

As a bonus to PENRYN in memory of the old days when the sales were held in the Car Auction place I have decided that all sellers should sell at £5.00 per car vans £7.50 shop or market trader (extra) and that to celebrate Car Boots Cornwall 30th Year sellers will pay the above prices for the whole 2019 season at PENRYN Rugby Club SUNDAYS at 3.00 pm. Enjoy! Geoff x

Reply to

July/August 2018
I am sorry it has taken so long to continue with Geoff Says. Believe me I have had so many excuses especially what with moving from Herniss to Winnards Perch then trying to settle in to a rather nice house with amazing views down to the valley with fantastic distant views of the Padstow Ocean and beautiful surroundings with well-manicured farmland. The two-legged bird life is amazing with stunning Swallows showing their flying and eating on the wing skills they buzz around the house to keep the flies away we are honoured to be here but, I seriously did miss (still do) our old house Nancorras after 10 years. (I cried for days) OK it was on the main road with loads of traffic but that didn’t bother us because when we moved there we put some ‘fcuk off’ 6-foot fencing erected to shut out sounds of traffic and the outside world, we had been with hundreds and thousands of people all our working life so we were happy living in perfect peace and harmony just the two of us. How lovely! That was until mother-in-law Julia arrived with her Dementia, we three agreed to upsize so we could all have our own space. She, that is Julia has been no real trouble really once you accept that she wears her day clothes all day and all night she goes to bed fully clothed she gets up fully clothed so her gets a bit niffy now and again but her is a nice-ish type person she has a good (but smutty) sense of humour that’s when she knows what she is laughing at FFS but her is getting so extremely dilatory living in a dazed mood most of the time, her can do very little for herself and her is totally absent minded and unable to properly string sentences together. But what amazes me she has forgotten everything but one thing she certainly has not forgotten is how to scoff and trough and eat or where when and how to feed herself FFS? Her knows where her gob is so to speak FFS! I mean she can trough at almost everything placed in front of by her ‘caring daughter’ (the wife) who works tirelessly at preparing meals (like all good wives do) (I mean, it’s no great meal is it FFS?) she scoffs the frigging lot but in a slow snail like pace without saying to my current wife ‘that was lovely Louise I really did enjoy that’ cos it wasn’t and she didn’t and I have to eat my share so I would know barf-barf-belch-fart’ FFS. Love you my Lou, she will never read this she thinks I am too confrontational and she is dead right but no-one is more confrontational than you my dearest Lou, my rock!! Oh, and by the way Julia says that “I am her rock” which adds to the excitement of this oddball trio with the potential of a major bust-up of monumental proportions which is on the horizon almost on a daily basis, but for the peace in our lives we never seem to come to blows which is so unfortunately that it never happens cos I like a good old fashioned bust-up so we just bottle it up and shut TF up but me I am the sort of person who ‘likes to clear effing air -the now’’ get it out in the open have a bloody good fuct and blind at each other to clear the king air then shut TF up have a good slagging followed by a good shagging if you are that lucky and move on FFS! So, my darling wife as you say ‘it is what it is’ so take a chill pill, she’s got Dementia, deal with it without further hot flushes dearest one!

Julia’s involuntary very funny stupidity stunts really gets through to my darling current 4th wife Lou (so far) it is amazing that she the wife is not amused with some of her mother’s childlike ‘I am not really a potential fruit and nut-case however I do-do not have Dementia today’! Her attitude and actions amount to crazy world class over-acted scenes at times that infuriate my Lou this is my entertainment time but she Julia is knowing full well that she is in the limelight so oh yes indeedy my goodness how the sparks fly.
Take for instance Lou does the washing (nope, the washing machine does the freaking washing FFS) she takes it out of the machine she hangs out the newly washed items securely with pegs leaving it out to dry, simple, so that means the fresh air does the laundry surely Shirley? Anyway, her comes back into the house she makes coffee, peace but within a matter of minutes Julia on seeing the washing blowing in the wind with ‘little white fluffy clouds above her head’ she has gone tappy-lapping into the garden with the empty wash basket and collects all the frigging washing off the pigging line FFS, (pegs all over the sodding garden) Her brings the newly washed wringing wet basket in to Lou with the washing still sopping wet but neatly folded in the basket ready for Lou to iron, I mean, the look of fury across Lou’s face is priceless nay hilarious so I am getting out of here to escape Julia being questioned “And why TF have you brought the king washing in I have only just put it out FFS?” (it was me who added the TF and the FFS just to add to the drama to the near crisis!) But my Lou nearly buckled with exasperation almost losing the plot completely so guess who hung the washing out just for the sake of peace and to rekindle the smile of the wife’s face? it was me Muggins who put the pigging washing back on the frigging line to the last bastard peg and then within seconds the fur king heavens opened with bloody heavy rain and it absolutely bucketed nay pissed down FFS so WTF I give up, sod it I am getting drenched, leave the king washing there FFSs FFS!! Steady on Geoff steady on boy!
Julia has been watching these events not realizing she had pigging locked me out in the pissing rain and after much miming and jerking movements she let me in FFS! I am totally pissed off, so bollocks to the world I walk into the house drenched to the skin and the stupid mare her says to me “Oh, is it raining?” ‘Where’s your bloody little white fluffy clouds now Julia dearest you are an absolute pain in the bum FFS! Two can play at this stupid game at ‘being stupid’ so I tell her instead of me going to have a shower “I think I will get into the tumble drier to dry myself off it will be quicker for me can you get me a couple of towels and open the door for me please?” Minutes later I go into the kitchen she is standing by the tall fridge with the door open and her has got two towels ready for me her says “I think you will have more room in the fridge instead of the tumble drier to dry yourself dear” she hands me the towels and glides out of the room through the door like a ghostess whilst I am standing gob smacked laughing my head off with the fridge door open and holding the two towels dripping wet but feeling a total dick-head FFS as the wife walks into the room seeing me with my latest perversion saying “And WTF do you think you’re up to FFS” “You wouldn’t understand dear you just wouldn’t understand so I am not telling you, by the way do you know I put your washing out and its pissing down dear. Another mood swing looms as her frets about the washing getting wet FFS, she didn’t bat an eyelid at my drenched condition so sod the washing leave it there and I don’t GAF and anyway it will all be dry by the morning FFS!!

I am beginning to feel unloved unappreciated and under her large thumb’s but the entertainment value is priceless, my wife could and should be on her way to losing her own marbles sooner than soon FFS then who TF is going to do the washing then my darling? (the washing machine of course) nope, I will get Julia to do it, now that could be a sight for sore eyes and should be very entertaining and should be OK for a bloody good laugh cos she doesn’t know the pigging difference between the vibrating washing machine the jerking tumble drier the poxy fridge the bad curry breath dishwasher nor the forking TV FFS! “Sorry about the constant use of FFS but do you know what I am going through especially when the wife’s hot flushes kick in time and time again and hers in the need for a quick fix of an HRT sticker” where TF are my stickers this hot flush is like no other?” bless her! The ‘bottom line’ is that it is my responsibility to remove the black ring from wearing the sticker glue for a week from her butt ffs I have to use with Cillit-Bang and a sheet of sand-paper! Hold still woman!! (I do daydream a lot but you know what I mean) Hey men, did you know that you can get ‘man HRT stickers on prescription’ from your doctor to cope with your stress levels and yer hot flushes ffs, I can imagine me going to my doctors and asking for some HRT to help me cope with my stress levels and hot flushes, I reckon he would tell me to walk away with jerky movements ffs! I most would definitely not want to go clagging one of ‘they their stickers’ on my arse every time I was in the wrong mood FFS! I would clag them on every mood swing and forget they were there FFS!! I would have stickers all over my arse forever cos I don’t need a bath every month so to speak FFS! (I am the complete nutter for writing that-who cares) nice smoke though, don’t you know? Oh, how I wish I was back at Nancorras, stop snivelling man, you cannot turn the clock back son so you just got to grin and bear it, hold onto your balls and walk forward and take on ‘all-comers’ of the opposite sex so to speak as they say, FFS!
We take Julia to the Car Boots she interacts with all and sundry, she appears to enjoy herself (tried stealing from one smallholder) she meets up with the delightful Kim and chats about guess what ‘little white fluffy clouds up above our heads’ We get home, I make her a cuppa and ask her ‘Where have you been today Julia’ she says “Nowhere, I have just spent the day quietly here with the dogs and we had a lovely time we went across the fields for a walk” Lies, lies and more damn lies! ‘Did you see Kim today?’ “I haven’t seen Kim for weeks” ‘Yes you have you saw her today anyway she said you were ‘a pain in the arse’ I lied, “Well she didn’t say that to me this morning” ‘So then you did see her then you old fartess?’ I lied about Kim saying Julia was a pain in the arse she actually asked in her posh manner so to speak ‘is she a pain in the bum?’ “No but Lou is FFS” x

Julia remembers nothing about most parts of her day she is totally at peace with herself she was a very proud school teacher for 30 plus years yet deep down she seriously does not believe that she has Dementia but she knows that something is wrong upstairs according to her ‘it is all up above and outside of her head with little white fluffy clouds?’ Her real enjoyment is to sit at her desk spending lots her time filling in art picture books with felt tip pens. She can be guilty of fitting the wrong bits into Jigsaws by fitting and forcing some of them upside down with a thump to make sure it fits in FFS, other pieces that go missing are either given to the dog to play with and chew the bleeding edges off or they could be found in another room or bless the dear of her in her bloody handbag FFS! She likes her own company to be left alone looking at family photographs time and time again whilst doing her ‘colouring in’ which she does with some expertise. One major problem with Dementia patients is that they forget to drink which dehydrates their body and hastens their death. You could put any drink in front of Julia most would go down the sink, water she will not drink, you cannot force them to drink but if you make some good old home-made bowls of soup that is the answer instead of a meal and anyway she is piling the weight on as they say so to speak but you MUST DRINK woman FFS!
Did I say it already? she adores me, she has adored me when she first met me at Pontins Brean Sands in Somerset 30 years ago she had brought her son and daughter (now my Lou) to work for the Summer Season. I was the General Manager and I had to be protected from her (ask Lou) but I can really understand her adoration cos I make her laugh a lot and the little time I spend with her she relaxes and talks a whole load of shit to me but I listen intently (or so she thinks) which is another reason to really piss Lou off cos she cannot cope with my patience see!! great fun FFS! Lou takes Julia to the memory café’s and Age Concern 2 to 3 times a week either in Wadebridge, St Columb or Falmouth. When her comes back Julia cannot quote any other person’s name after spending 3 or 4 hours in their company, she is totally confused where she has been nor can she remember what she has eaten so she makes the excuse that she has fish every day but worse is to ask her ‘what have you done today?’ she remembers absolutely nothing. I have so much patience with her we have a mutual respect for each other but it does not help with her over emphasising ‘Oh thank you Geoff you are so very good to me’ it causes trouble, cos she hardly ever says her ‘pleases and thank-you’ to my lovely wife Lou who virtually feeds and clothes her mother and it exasperates her not to receive a little appreciation once in a while. That is incredible rudeness in the first degree but the lady has Dementia so I always comment on meals and say ‘that was so nice dear’ even if it wasn’t or isn’t FFS! Love you Lou X Seriously, “Lou is a good cook” I must confess is an exaggeration of the reality of our lives my bird. OMG!! One of our team members asked me the other day “Do you love Julia” Good god no! I like her, I have seen her butt naked and I realise what is going to happen to my Lou in years to come what a frightening thought worse still what sort of state will I be in FFS!?

So here I am acting like a referee caught up in the middle of wife and demented mother-in-law reluctant to take sides, What a lovely peaceful life! I asked Julia the other day to tell me who are the 5 most important persons in your life guess what? I came second and my darling wife Lou was not even in the first five FFS nor was my Lou even mentioned in dispatches neither, mind split-tingly rude FFS. Julia could not understand my poor Lou’s overacted but justified stressed reaction so Julia just carried on eating as though nothing had happened!! (outrageously funny but so effing rude FFS) Worse was to come, it was Louise’s 50th birthday (looks it) I had reminded and told Julia to give Lou a card and say Happy Birthday to Louise, simple, but throughout the day she steadfastly refused to say “Happy Birthday” to her own daughter, I would ask her in front of Lou to say ‘Happy Birthday Louise’ but NO she would not utter those three words the stupid woman, but why! I told her off the following day her excuse was (in broken English) that “as it was July Louise’s birthday isn’t until August!” “Julia, the date is August 27th and it was Louise’s birthday yesterday that is gross pig ignorance and a load of bollocks” she did not reply the old battle-axe that she is so she is FFS!

A few weeks ago, Lou took Julia to Truro saying to her ‘Sit and wait here for a minute while I get a parking ticket!’ (should have locked the car from outside dear) In less than half a minute Julia had got out of the car and goes walkabouts, I get a frantic phone call from her indoors now outdoors ‘Geoff, I have lost my Mother’ “What a RESULT” or what!! WTF do you expect me to do darling I am 15 miles away, just hold on while I get the helicopter out or shall I call out the army? go find her!” The same day there was a huge Police Security Training Exercise on how to protect Truro in an Emergency no less, Lou goes up to one of the cops ‘I have lost my mother she has got Dementia’ There were about twenty Police officers taking part in the security training exercise who were suddenly diverted to searching for my batty old mother in law who was eventually traced as she headed into Primark of all places (her thinks herself to be a bit too much of a snob for Primark’s FFS) how the eff she got from Mallett’s Car park I do not know the dear of her and a silly moo that she is FFS! When she got home I asked her about her wander around Truro and she did not remember a thing about the incident! So, as a wind-up to Lou I reminded Julia what she had been up to in Truro and that I was really pleased that she was found as I was seriously worried for her safety, ‘Oh thank you Geoff I missed you as well’ Bingo! My Lou was not amused, but I was, scurrilous fun! Watch the heart rate darling! Her was so livid with me of all people for being so understanding that I have a batty old Dementia mother in law, I have never been so well entertained ffs.
I have said in other blogs that Dementia seems similar to smoking weed Cannabis, The Herb! (no poisons-no nicotine-no tobacco no yucky fags no stained fingers no stinking ash-trays no stained tongues and no foul stinking breaths no smelly sheets nor stinky pillow cases FFS) So you have a spliff which should take in careful moderation but do not mix it with ‘killer tobacco’ the best mix is Farmers Blend which is a special Marshmallow leaf Herbal Mixture -Tea- Remedies available from eBay of course!
After a few puffs or poofs depending upon which side you dress in the morning you will quietly slip into a different world where you will unwind and find yourself you will feel so relaxed your mood is full of ‘little fluffy white clouds up above your head’ of the weed your life has become a much nicer calmer and cosier place to be, you will feel relaxed and randy, so what, that can wait because you will forget the idea before you even get your zips open cos you are in a bit of a drowse so you will forget WTF made you randy in the first place, one problem! There is no-one to have sex with, you fool?

The ‘tetrahydro cannabinoid delta 9’ (Cannabis) is kicking in! In your mind you have quickly become a much nicer person than you were yesterday (you bastard) so you begin to find yourself, the real you, slightly off your rocker as high as a forking kite but still 180% genuine and a good looking person into the bargain (from a distance) trouble is that you just keep on forgetting things, you think you know everything yet in reality you know sod all your mind is full of crap business ideas and crack-pot ideas but you are happy and you are without aggressions or bad feelings to those closest to you that’s if you can remember their names cos you cannot and you don’t particularly want to remember their names ffs as your mind wanders on so you pour yourself another drink when the glass is half empty you wonder who TF drank the top half of the glass, you put some music on to relax the music excites you so you feel randy again you take a look at the free porn channels to your own music you decide to take yourself in hand but you just can’t be bothered because your mind is confused but who cares so you forget the whole idea turn the porn off and you roll yourself another spliff or two smoking them in peace perfect peace then you wonder what the hell happened to those two smokes I just made FFS? You come up with some brilliant-brilliant lifesaving, money making, law breaking shag-nasty ideas and you want to urgently write down because they are brilliantly amazingly great fun ideas and your mind is telling you that you could make serious money ‘dosh’ and maybe you could become a millionaire so quickly go quickly FFS. You think your heart is racing (it is) but by the time you have got a frigging pen and a clean piece of paper to write on you have totally and stupidly forgotten WTF the idea was in the first place FFS for it has completely gone out of you head along with scores of other stupid never to be retrieved imaginations so who GsAF anyway cos somehow or other you are having a great fun time relaxed but you are still in full control of yourself, at the end of your day you will walk or stumble to your bedroom to go to bed you have a supercilious grin on yer chops life is good cos in your hand you have a plateful of munchies you are in a complete daydream but life is good (that’s at least twice) you open the bedroom door the room is spinning around like fcuk you wait for the bed to pass then you jump in like a king idiot and end up flat on your forking nose on the pigging floor spilling yer forking munchies ferking everywhere FFS you pick up the munchies you scoff the lot dust included you lay quietly on your bed and shut your eyes that’s when it’s SHOWTIME in your minds with amazing pictures of incredible happenings of ‘out there somewhere’ you drift into a sleep without realizing it and you have decided that having a spliff or two is much better than getting pissed out of your minds coz you don’t have to get up for a pigging piss ever hour and you can sleep on and on and you will get up in the morning and guess what? you are ‘in control a bit stupefied but in control’ more or less so to speak like! OK you might have a bloody nose which you do not remember how TF you got it in the first place FFS! That is if you have your smoked in moderation? Remember you die if you smoke, you die if you don’t!

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