I am sorry it has taken so long to continue with Geoff Says. Believe me I have had so many excuses especially what with moving from Herniss to Winnards Perch then trying to settle in to a rather nice house with amazing views down to the valley with fantastic distant views of the Padstow Ocean and beautiful surroundings with well-manicured farmland. The two-legged bird life is amazing with stunning Swallows showing their flying and eating on the wing skills they buzz around the house to keep the flies away we are honoured to be here but, I seriously did miss (still do) our old house Nancorras after 10 years. (I cried for days) OK it was on the main road with loads of traffic but that didn’t bother us because when we moved there we put some ‘fcuk off’ 6-foot fencing erected to shut out sounds of traffic and the outside world, we had been with hundreds and thousands of people all our working life so we were happy living in perfect peace and harmony just the two of us. How lovely! That was until mother-in-law Julia arrived with her Dementia, we three agreed to upsize so we could all have our own space. She, that is Julia has been no real trouble really once you accept that she wears her day clothes all day and all night she goes to bed fully clothed she gets up fully clothed so her gets a bit niffy now and again but her is a nice-ish type person she has a good (but smutty) sense of humour that’s when she knows what she is laughing at FFS but her is getting so extremely dilatory living in a dazed mood most of the time, her can do very little for herself and her is totally absent minded and unable to properly string sentences together. But what amazes me she has forgotten everything but one thing she certainly has not forgotten is how to scoff and trough and eat or where when and how to feed herself FFS? Her knows where her gob is so to speak FFS! I mean she can trough at almost everything placed in front of by her ‘caring daughter’ (the wife) who works tirelessly at preparing meals (like all good wives do) (I mean, it’s no great meal is it FFS?) she scoffs the frigging lot but in a slow snail like pace without saying to my current wife ‘that was lovely Louise I really did enjoy that’ cos it wasn’t and she didn’t and I have to eat my share so I would know barf-barf-belch-fart’ FFS. Love you my Lou, she will never read this she thinks I am too confrontational and she is dead right but no-one is more confrontational than you my dearest Lou, my rock!! Oh, and by the way Julia says that “I am her rock” which adds to the excitement of this oddball trio with the potential of a major bust-up of monumental proportions which is on the horizon almost on a daily basis, but for the peace in our lives we never seem to come to blows which is so unfortunately that it never happens cos I like a good old fashioned bust-up so we just bottle it up and shut TF up but me I am the sort of person who ‘likes to clear effing air -the now’’ get it out in the open have a bloody good fuct and blind at each other to clear the king air then shut TF up have a good slagging followed by a good shagging if you are that lucky and move on FFS! So, my darling wife as you say ‘it is what it is’ so take a chill pill, she’s got Dementia, deal with it without further hot flushes dearest one!
Julia’s involuntary very funny stupidity stunts really gets through to my darling current 4th wife Lou (so far) it is amazing that she the wife is not amused with some of her mother’s childlike ‘I am not really a potential fruit and nut-case however I do-do not have Dementia today’! Her attitude and actions amount to crazy world class over-acted scenes at times that infuriate my Lou this is my entertainment time but she Julia is knowing full well that she is in the limelight so oh yes indeedy my goodness how the sparks fly.
Take for instance Lou does the washing (nope, the washing machine does the freaking washing FFS) she takes it out of the machine she hangs out the newly washed items securely with pegs leaving it out to dry, simple, so that means the fresh air does the laundry surely Shirley? Anyway, her comes back into the house she makes coffee, peace but within a matter of minutes Julia on seeing the washing blowing in the wind with ‘little white fluffy clouds above her head’ she has gone tappy-lapping into the garden with the empty wash basket and collects all the frigging washing off the pigging line FFS, (pegs all over the sodding garden) Her brings the newly washed wringing wet basket in to Lou with the washing still sopping wet but neatly folded in the basket ready for Lou to iron, I mean, the look of fury across Lou’s face is priceless nay hilarious so I am getting out of here to escape Julia being questioned “And why TF have you brought the king washing in I have only just put it out FFS?” (it was me who added the TF and the FFS just to add to the drama to the near crisis!) But my Lou nearly buckled with exasperation almost losing the plot completely so guess who hung the washing out just for the sake of peace and to rekindle the smile of the wife’s face? it was me Muggins who put the pigging washing back on the frigging line to the last bastard peg and then within seconds the fur king heavens opened with bloody heavy rain and it absolutely bucketed nay pissed down FFS so WTF I give up, sod it I am getting drenched, leave the king washing there FFSs FFS!! Steady on Geoff steady on boy!
Julia has been watching these events not realizing she had pigging locked me out in the pissing rain and after much miming and jerking movements she let me in FFS! I am totally pissed off, so bollocks to the world I walk into the house drenched to the skin and the stupid mare her says to me “Oh, is it raining?” ‘Where’s your bloody little white fluffy clouds now Julia dearest you are an absolute pain in the bum FFS! Two can play at this stupid game at ‘being stupid’ so I tell her instead of me going to have a shower “I think I will get into the tumble drier to dry myself off it will be quicker for me can you get me a couple of towels and open the door for me please?” Minutes later I go into the kitchen she is standing by the tall fridge with the door open and her has got two towels ready for me her says “I think you will have more room in the fridge instead of the tumble drier to dry yourself dear” she hands me the towels and glides out of the room through the door like a ghostess whilst I am standing gob smacked laughing my head off with the fridge door open and holding the two towels dripping wet but feeling a total dick-head FFS as the wife walks into the room seeing me with my latest perversion saying “And WTF do you think you’re up to FFS” “You wouldn’t understand dear you just wouldn’t understand so I am not telling you, by the way do you know I put your washing out and its pissing down dear. Another mood swing looms as her frets about the washing getting wet FFS, she didn’t bat an eyelid at my drenched condition so sod the washing leave it there and I don’t GAF and anyway it will all be dry by the morning FFS!!
I am beginning to feel unloved unappreciated and under her large thumb’s but the entertainment value is priceless, my wife could and should be on her way to losing her own marbles sooner than soon FFS then who TF is going to do the washing then my darling? (the washing machine of course) nope, I will get Julia to do it, now that could be a sight for sore eyes and should be very entertaining and should be OK for a bloody good laugh cos she doesn’t know the pigging difference between the vibrating washing machine the jerking tumble drier the poxy fridge the bad curry breath dishwasher nor the forking TV FFS! “Sorry about the constant use of FFS but do you know what I am going through especially when the wife’s hot flushes kick in time and time again and hers in the need for a quick fix of an HRT sticker” where TF are my stickers this hot flush is like no other?” bless her! The ‘bottom line’ is that it is my responsibility to remove the black ring from wearing the sticker glue for a week from her butt ffs I have to use with Cillit-Bang and a sheet of sand-paper! Hold still woman!! (I do daydream a lot but you know what I mean) Hey men, did you know that you can get ‘man HRT stickers on prescription’ from your doctor to cope with your stress levels and yer hot flushes ffs, I can imagine me going to my doctors and asking for some HRT to help me cope with my stress levels and hot flushes, I reckon he would tell me to walk away with jerky movements ffs! I most would definitely not want to go clagging one of ‘they their stickers’ on my arse every time I was in the wrong mood FFS! I would clag them on every mood swing and forget they were there FFS!! I would have stickers all over my arse forever cos I don’t need a bath every month so to speak FFS! (I am the complete nutter for writing that-who cares) nice smoke though, don’t you know? Oh, how I wish I was back at Nancorras, stop snivelling man, you cannot turn the clock back son so you just got to grin and bear it, hold onto your balls and walk forward and take on ‘all-comers’ of the opposite sex so to speak as they say, FFS!
We take Julia to the Car Boots she interacts with all and sundry, she appears to enjoy herself (tried stealing from one smallholder) she meets up with the delightful Kim and chats about guess what ‘little white fluffy clouds up above our heads’ We get home, I make her a cuppa and ask her ‘Where have you been today Julia’ she says “Nowhere, I have just spent the day quietly here with the dogs and we had a lovely time we went across the fields for a walk” Lies, lies and more damn lies! ‘Did you see Kim today?’ “I haven’t seen Kim for weeks” ‘Yes you have you saw her today anyway she said you were ‘a pain in the arse’ I lied, “Well she didn’t say that to me this morning” ‘So then you did see her then you old fartess?’ I lied about Kim saying Julia was a pain in the arse she actually asked in her posh manner so to speak ‘is she a pain in the bum?’ “No but Lou is FFS” x
Julia remembers nothing about most parts of her day she is totally at peace with herself she was a very proud school teacher for 30 plus years yet deep down she seriously does not believe that she has Dementia but she knows that something is wrong upstairs according to her ‘it is all up above and outside of her head with little white fluffy clouds?’ Her real enjoyment is to sit at her desk spending lots her time filling in art picture books with felt tip pens. She can be guilty of fitting the wrong bits into Jigsaws by fitting and forcing some of them upside down with a thump to make sure it fits in FFS, other pieces that go missing are either given to the dog to play with and chew the bleeding edges off or they could be found in another room or bless the dear of her in her bloody handbag FFS! She likes her own company to be left alone looking at family photographs time and time again whilst doing her ‘colouring in’ which she does with some expertise. One major problem with Dementia patients is that they forget to drink which dehydrates their body and hastens their death. You could put any drink in front of Julia most would go down the sink, water she will not drink, you cannot force them to drink but if you make some good old home-made bowls of soup that is the answer instead of a meal and anyway she is piling the weight on as they say so to speak but you MUST DRINK woman FFS!
Did I say it already? she adores me, she has adored me when she first met me at Pontins Brean Sands in Somerset 30 years ago she had brought her son and daughter (now my Lou) to work for the Summer Season. I was the General Manager and I had to be protected from her (ask Lou) but I can really understand her adoration cos I make her laugh a lot and the little time I spend with her she relaxes and talks a whole load of shit to me but I listen intently (or so she thinks) which is another reason to really piss Lou off cos she cannot cope with my patience see!! great fun FFS! Lou takes Julia to the memory cafÃ©’s and Age Concern 2 to 3 times a week either in Wadebridge, St Columb or Falmouth. When her comes back Julia cannot quote any other person’s name after spending 3 or 4 hours in their company, she is totally confused where she has been nor can she remember what she has eaten so she makes the excuse that she has fish every day but worse is to ask her ‘what have you done today?’ she remembers absolutely nothing. I have so much patience with her we have a mutual respect for each other but it does not help with her over emphasising ‘Oh thank you Geoff you are so very good to me’ it causes trouble, cos she hardly ever says her ‘pleases and thank-you’ to my lovely wife Lou who virtually feeds and clothes her mother and it exasperates her not to receive a little appreciation once in a while. That is incredible rudeness in the first degree but the lady has Dementia so I always comment on meals and say ‘that was so nice dear’ even if it wasn’t or isn’t FFS! Love you Lou X Seriously, “Lou is a good cook” I must confess is an exaggeration of the reality of our lives my bird. OMG!! One of our team members asked me the other day “Do you love Julia” Good god no! I like her, I have seen her butt naked and I realise what is going to happen to my Lou in years to come what a frightening thought worse still what sort of state will I be in FFS!?
So here I am acting like a referee caught up in the middle of wife and demented mother-in-law reluctant to take sides, What a lovely peaceful life! I asked Julia the other day to tell me who are the 5 most important persons in your life guess what? I came second and my darling wife Lou was not even in the first five FFS nor was my Lou even mentioned in dispatches neither, mind split-tingly rude FFS. Julia could not understand my poor Lou’s overacted but justified stressed reaction so Julia just carried on eating as though nothing had happened!! (outrageously funny but so effing rude FFS) Worse was to come, it was Louise’s 50th birthday (looks it) I had reminded and told Julia to give Lou a card and say Happy Birthday to Louise, simple, but throughout the day she steadfastly refused to say “Happy Birthday” to her own daughter, I would ask her in front of Lou to say ‘Happy Birthday Louise’ but NO she would not utter those three words the stupid woman, but why! I told her off the following day her excuse was (in broken English) that “as it was July Louise’s birthday isn’t until August!” “Julia, the date is August 27th and it was Louise’s birthday yesterday that is gross pig ignorance and a load of bollocks” she did not reply the old battle-axe that she is so she is FFS!
A few weeks ago, Lou took Julia to Truro saying to her ‘Sit and wait here for a minute while I get a parking ticket!’ (should have locked the car from outside dear) In less than half a minute Julia had got out of the car and goes walkabouts, I get a frantic phone call from her indoors now outdoors ‘Geoff, I have lost my Mother’ “What a RESULT” or what!! WTF do you expect me to do darling I am 15 miles away, just hold on while I get the helicopter out or shall I call out the army? go find her!” The same day there was a huge Police Security Training Exercise on how to protect Truro in an Emergency no less, Lou goes up to one of the cops ‘I have lost my mother she has got Dementia’ There were about twenty Police officers taking part in the security training exercise who were suddenly diverted to searching for my batty old mother in law who was eventually traced as she headed into Primark of all places (her thinks herself to be a bit too much of a snob for Primark’s FFS) how the eff she got from Mallett’s Car park I do not know the dear of her and a silly moo that she is FFS! When she got home I asked her about her wander around Truro and she did not remember a thing about the incident! So, as a wind-up to Lou I reminded Julia what she had been up to in Truro and that I was really pleased that she was found as I was seriously worried for her safety, ‘Oh thank you Geoff I missed you as well’ Bingo! My Lou was not amused, but I was, scurrilous fun! Watch the heart rate darling! Her was so livid with me of all people for being so understanding that I have a batty old Dementia mother in law, I have never been so well entertained ffs.
I have said in other blogs that Dementia seems similar to smoking weed Cannabis, The Herb! (no poisons-no nicotine-no tobacco no yucky fags no stained fingers no stinking ash-trays no stained tongues and no foul stinking breaths no smelly sheets nor stinky pillow cases FFS) So you have a spliff which should take in careful moderation but do not mix it with ‘killer tobacco’ the best mix is Farmers Blend which is a special Marshmallow leaf Herbal Mixture -Tea- Remedies available from eBay of course!
After a few puffs or poofs depending upon which side you dress in the morning you will quietly slip into a different world where you will unwind and find yourself you will feel so relaxed your mood is full of ‘little fluffy white clouds up above your head’ of the weed your life has become a much nicer calmer and cosier place to be, you will feel relaxed and randy, so what, that can wait because you will forget the idea before you even get your zips open cos you are in a bit of a drowse so you will forget WTF made you randy in the first place, one problem! There is no-one to have sex with, you fool?
The ‘tetrahydro cannabinoid delta 9’ (Cannabis) is kicking in! In your mind you have quickly become a much nicer person than you were yesterday (you bastard) so you begin to find yourself, the real you, slightly off your rocker as high as a forking kite but still 180% genuine and a good looking person into the bargain (from a distance) trouble is that you just keep on forgetting things, you think you know everything yet in reality you know sod all your mind is full of crap business ideas and crack-pot ideas but you are happy and you are without aggressions or bad feelings to those closest to you that’s if you can remember their names cos you cannot and you don’t particularly want to remember their names ffs as your mind wanders on so you pour yourself another drink when the glass is half empty you wonder who TF drank the top half of the glass, you put some music on to relax the music excites you so you feel randy again you take a look at the free porn channels to your own music you decide to take yourself in hand but you just can’t be bothered because your mind is confused but who cares so you forget the whole idea turn the porn off and you roll yourself another spliff or two smoking them in peace perfect peace then you wonder what the hell happened to those two smokes I just made FFS? You come up with some brilliant-brilliant lifesaving, money making, law breaking shag-nasty ideas and you want to urgently write down because they are brilliantly amazingly great fun ideas and your mind is telling you that you could make serious money ‘dosh’ and maybe you could become a millionaire so quickly go quickly FFS. You think your heart is racing (it is) but by the time you have got a frigging pen and a clean piece of paper to write on you have totally and stupidly forgotten WTF the idea was in the first place FFS for it has completely gone out of you head along with scores of other stupid never to be retrieved imaginations so who GsAF anyway cos somehow or other you are having a great fun time relaxed but you are still in full control of yourself, at the end of your day you will walk or stumble to your bedroom to go to bed you have a supercilious grin on yer chops life is good cos in your hand you have a plateful of munchies you are in a complete daydream but life is good (that’s at least twice) you open the bedroom door the room is spinning around like fcuk you wait for the bed to pass then you jump in like a king idiot and end up flat on your forking nose on the pigging floor spilling yer forking munchies ferking everywhere FFS you pick up the munchies you scoff the lot dust included you lay quietly on your bed and shut your eyes that’s when it’s SHOWTIME in your minds with amazing pictures of incredible happenings of ‘out there somewhere’ you drift into a sleep without realizing it and you have decided that having a spliff or two is much better than getting pissed out of your minds coz you don’t have to get up for a pigging piss ever hour and you can sleep on and on and you will get up in the morning and guess what? you are ‘in control a bit stupefied but in control’ more or less so to speak like! OK you might have a bloody nose which you do not remember how TF you got it in the first place FFS! That is if you have your smoked in moderation? Remember you die if you smoke, you die if you don’t!