Blog 3.
I mean, I cannot stand effing TV programmes that constantly show like all of the time, I mean showing women’s wonderful wobbling bouncy boobies with the parting in the middle, I mean why show them continueously? WTF Darlings if you’ve gotten em why not flaunt em ffs? But, butts, why the hell not try focusing on their bums (with the larger than larger parting for farting in the middle ffs) (I mean wtf, the only reason we two that’s Lou and me, we don’t go out that much is that because my wife’s arse is so large her needs 2 furking chairs for 3 persons ffs!) (they charge me for the use of the extra chairs ffs!) But then, if we are looking at she’s bums then we don’t have to ficking look at their botoxed faces with their painted on eyebrows they their ever flapping sticky out ficking bat-like things flashing up over each lopsided eye they look like over painted ficking horses blinkers ffs, they like reminds me of our huge mega false country Cows eye lashes from ere in Cornwall me ansum so they are, sometimes they be all stuck up, (sing) ‘hu-hu-hu I’m all stook up hu hu hu ffs) and then there is they-their cross-eyed unfriendly looks when each eye wants to point in different directions they have fallen out with each other look then their’s the vacant stares (has she passed on ffs) and then there is they there the wobbles brigade of chin tuckings darlings, then-there’s the lip smacking always gobs wide open ffs (nice) revealing Dulux brilliant white painted mouths full of the whiter than white teeth my man, I mean like, wtf is going on with our women ffs they have like geet gnashers with fillings galore from hell man ffs inside a wide snide nasty heedious bitch commenting with nasty loud speaking, I mean like (shout) ‘listen to me ffs” all together now, “Listen to ME ffs” all of the pigging time for she’s speaking shouting bellowing in a screech owl offensive voice and her’s not quite that pretty looking chuntering all of the freeking time wtf ffs she’s always nagging allways loving herself more than anyone else ffs so wtf her-she is loving the sounds only of her own pigging voice and her’s part of you lot our world class ladies like the rest of you lot, my darling darlings! Don’t you call me darling ffs, but, but but we do love you all of you warts and all so wtf ffs, I mean, you can be such beeches at times and a pain in the freeking fricking arse at other times, like full time and you bloody well know it, don’t yer sweetheart? somehow, we love you? (the jury is OUT) Yuck, I think I am going to be sick ffs!!

Blog 4.
Oh, and before I leave the chin and belly tucks subject further down like there is another subject on an entirely different matter in the pussy region of our lives TTFFTFFS (work that one out) and that is Designer Vagina’s my darlings, they have even invented a kiss-back fairy-pussy, it keeps pursing out it’s fairy lips man ffs and every now and then it’s (stand back time) it starts blowing out wet kisses ffs, there is a lady from Camborne who has actually had a set of false teeth inserted into her fairy man ffs, on entry yer knob gets bitten orf ouch ffs it’s totally true, I mean my missuse has got a ‘closed for business’ sign up permanantly (not true) (I’m seeing her sister regularly ffs) All totally untrue but indecency once in a while does yer good. And now ladies here comes total absolute bullshit, standby!! “Ladies, I so do love you all, men you can gafysffs!”

Blog 5.
Now then, on the other side of life, we real men, we are such a placid even-tempered peaceful home loving men, I mean, I know we can be a bit tyresome at times but only on rare occasions carn’t we dears ffs? But, but, but ladies of the female variety fs we love you, all of you! Do we? ffs walobs that is, no it is not, but then, I am just playing to be on the grounds of myself like on both sides of the fence here for my own personal safety ffs? But then I, that’s me personally, for I love and adore all women of all ages “mothers of our world the dears of them all unite in absolute happiness and total nudity, just pile your clothes on top of mine dears” (that would not be a first, but, please don’t tell my missus fs) From my heart, please all ladies, femails, girls, aunties smoking de weed man, slurping sisters, grandmas (of the stoned variety) greatgrandmamas (completly out of it, gone but not quite yet (I will go when I’ m ready you can fcuk off) total bliss man fed all day, she be back to happy crappie nappy time, great to give the bumps to ffs) mumsies and all of the female variety which ever side you dress ffs, I mean, please take over the whole of OUR pigging WORLD ladies my lovelies, I mean there would be no wars to start with but you could not do a worserer jobs than our alleged World leaders ffs (apart from Biden who is totally honest and a good man whatever his politics, unlike USAs number one criminal shite house TRUMP the schmook that he is, Biden never got his fingers caught in the till like effing Trump) (whose going to prison?) (oh yes you are you ferking nerd) but WTF have we got here in the UK but a dithering fat blobby sloppy-slob-blob of a person Doris Borris Johnson, criminal to the people!

Blog 6.
Formerly known as skidder the kidder a dishonest mess of an excuse for a man who likes to have his ferking picture in the papers every king day with his effing mugshot dressed up in some sort of high-visibilty jacket pretending to drive a tractor or he is dressed up in a cowboy image or a nurses uniform ffs the prick that he is so he is, but then that is disrespectful to pricks whether you can ‘get it up’ or not ffs (god, I am some stoned), and he the Partygate specialist aint he though, I mean, he did’nt GAF while people were NOT allowed ‘because of COVID the killer desease’ to see their dying loved ones and adored members of their families whilst he the fat slob Stuck two fingers up to you the entire British public man ffs he slobbers and slurpes away and dribbles into another glass “Who cares or GsAF about the effing British PUBLIC ffs lets all drink, (let’s all celebrate how we have collectively fcuked up the entire country) which means Boris says “borrocks to the rest of the UK I am the Pri—(ck) Minister for I can do what I effing want to do so can the rest of my team when I wish to change the rules they will all obey, cheers” What a Knob end! Nope, that’s also disrespectful to decent knob ends geffers according to the oricle of Knobosorus ffs, who TF that is or never was I do not know nor do I GAF ffs! Did you know the gossip that recently he was caught in his number ten office actually shagging on the desk with his off white grundies at his feet ffs, but but but ffs an MP walks in sees the PMs grundies round his ankles and what was happening and said “Excuse me Prime Minister, seems like she’s gone sir now pull your trousers and yer fupping grundies up man, FFS” And now today 07/07/2022 he’s gone ttfftffs up up and away but he is still trying to cling on to power ffs despite there being ‘during his power 50,000 nurses down because you did not look after them during a world crisis and 10,000 doctors down (wtf they do in St Columbs surgery is anyone’s guess) Well done Boris now walk away with jerky movements and yer off white grundies ffs march him off to the tower, go nowwwwwww!! Wow! he’s gone, fcuk me gently with a 20 foot rattle snake (mmm, that could be quite nice, beware of the piles please, left a bit) This man, that is me for eye is in such a mental state ffs! bring in the women in their white coats (nothing else) (just white coats please) to take him away, bliss perfect bliss my man my women ffs!! Sorry about my spelling and commas but I am out of control thankfolly dears. X

Blog 7.
Now then, as an ex HM The Life Guards soldier ( the Senior Regiment of the British Army) So, I was doing my 3 years National Service at Windsor from 1956, so did you know also that I have done my bit for Queen and Country, Oh yes indeedy for I were sent as a ‘Secret Service agent’ to sort out the Suez crisis alone, I was on the Empire Orwell ship on behalf of Number 10 Downing Street to negotiate a settlement, with the ladies of the nights provided, a few spliffs later getting pist out of my mind so to speak, a few more spliffs and then loads of gobbing it orf on both sides, then paying off the Suez blokies millions (my percentage on top) for them not to start a fight, then according to local traditions we all got our conkers out, I had to put mine away in shame ffs and guess what man there was a stunning amazing breakthrough ffs? Peace, Perfect Peace reigned FFS! So, there was no war due to and according to my negotiation skills (bloody liar) (so the rest of this is all a load of absolute brollocks ffs) and I am some out of it ffs, so, to show their honest appreciation for my services for this bull shit I was given 40 bales of quality cannabis and Ten Million Euros that I am not declaring to the Inland People ffs (but de weed man, you know what I’m saying man) all in full payment to smoke to my hearts content ffs!

Blog 8.
Now then, I am on the last 10 bales so if you think I am not concentrating when you speak to me, then you are right my lovers so, please don’t talk any crap yiddish rubbish nor or any common sense to me cos I am constantly up there somewhere else man in an entirely different other fantasy type world where flowers grow inside out and rabbits have four ears and they recycle their pellet poos for kids between 4 and 15 years ffs for breakfast? so I will agree to anything you say so borrocks to the outside world and kids eat your pooey breakfasts fs!! That was all taught to me by that not so lovely wife of whom I have a soft spot for her atm, right at the bottom of the freaking garden sometimes ffs the dear of her!! What about this, we have 3 large boxes in our garden with roses and other lovely flowers, she tells people that my former wives one two and three are buried ffs, I am thinking seriously where tf to build another large box for to put and bury wife number 4 X She don’t read this shit her says tha I am too confrontational that’s bloody rich she effing taught me in the first place ffffffs! Love you Lou. x Very ishly!

Blog 9.
By the way my men readers question from me to you! “Sir, do you have any pictures of your missus totally in the nude like, I mean like, totally in the buff?
Your reply, “How rude, NO I have not FFS!”
(ME) Would you like to buy some?? I have got several to chose from she is so lovely, time she shaved though ffs, or I do have pics of her with your mate from around the corner, like doing it man, like shagging away ffs, I mean all the lads has been there over the years mate, my god she plays hard and dirty sir, ttfftffs!

Blog 10.
Car Boot Sales
Now then, In a way at 84 years old I see the world of Car Boot Sales here in Gods Country the lovely CORNWALL as thoroughly decent people set about selling or buying crap (but there is a lot of money in crap if you know what you are doing) wheeling and dealing between themselves since 1989 when we first started Car Boots Cornwall the dealers and wankers (don’t be rude about wankers Geffers we all do it, some under different guises of course master Bates) they were completely out of control of themselves! Step forward senior management Geoff Says ffs!!
As soon as cars arrived the dealers would open the boots of sellers cars even before the driver had stopped his or she’s car, before they had even turned their pigging engines off fs! Honest sellers were getting totally ripped off by dishonest over enthusiastic dealers passing back items from sellers boots only for the items not to be either returned nor paid for. Does anyone remember the husband and wife team known as ‘snatch and grab’? The tears I saw during our takeover of Car Boot Sales at Falmouth Rugby Club from sellers whose stalls were literally wiped out of stock by total dishonesty. Now then, Dealers would arrive well before the car boots started as they hung around to gain free entry for their dishonest tactics, then Geoff Says struck! With immediate effect I decided three most important moves from April 15th 1989;
Blog 11.
1. No buyer/s whatsoever will be allowed entry until the actual time of the start of any Car Boot Sale. There will be an admission charge of £1.00 per adult made for all buyers (kids up to 15 years-FREE admission) If we had not made these charges Car Boots Cornwall would not have survived with our operating costs including justified high rents to Landlords, transport costs and wages for our well paid teams (deservedly) and then there’s the toilets to be paid for and of couse covering all of our customers our Public Liability Insurance.
2. Sellers will be shown to their selling spaces 30 minutes before the start of the sale to set up their stalls in perfect peace with ‘no-selling-no buying-no walking around’ and ‘no dealers’ The only persons (2) with children who are allowed behind your selling spaces is you and your partner amen, do not invite persons behind your stall’
3. No persons sellers/nor buyers are allowed to go into sellers ‘CAR BOOTS’ “nor be behind sellers tables as a matter of security” the rules if broken carry a barring from our Car Boot Sales. This shocking practice still happens at Rosudgeon car boots (an alleged charity organisation) that relies on all staff working for ‘nothing’ nowt, sod all.
I got threats of violence towards myself and some of my teams and to our home but! but! we won. Several people including ‘out of order dealers’ ripping sellers off seven major dealers were barred (more threats) however today we have great dealers who respect our rulings and have supported us for so many years, thank you my lovers, I believe that they there dealers get a realistic income from their talents in buying and selling their wares, more importantly they show great respect to our sellers and fellow buyers, so there, what goes around comes around or so they say! A whole subject without one ffs-ffs-wtf-gafys ffs!!
Blog 12.
Now then, I suppose I am a royalist really but I am unhappy that Charles will replace the Queen with his ugly f?n wife whose name I have completely forgotten fs, but but but he should and could do the right and the honourable thing to do is to figging abdicate in favour of William and Kate (our Diana’s revenge) and their kids to bring this country into the 21st Century ffs why? because we are all so ferking ancient living in bygone days. Fcuk and bollox to history, today is our history ffs! Live your own life be happy, at least that’s how it used to be but with this fcuking WAR caused by the shit-house of a loose turd (that is disrespectful to loose turds and shit houses) that he is PUTIN ffffs now all of our world has been turned upside down, the innocent people like you me and Grandma with our prices going out of control causing misery to all of my fellow human beings Worldwide, that is so wrong, be strong be close to your kith and kin turn so the other cheek, go to bed with the sole intention of ‘doing it’ before going to sleep (this could be the last time, everybody sing (this could be the last time) Oh, oh, oooh, goodbye cruel world and the missus sheds a tear or two then shouts “Next” I do the same and fall asleep ff forgetting to do it ffs then when turning over I fall out of the fcuking bed ffs, but wtf my lovers be determined to enjoy your lives under dreadful circumstances, don’t cry alone!
Why this excuse for a turd like PUTIN has not been blown apart baffles cos me he is costing you and me and the world fricking gazillions ffs!! FFS take him out ffs take him OUT then TRUMP then move slobber-chops BORIS into retirement and king hard labour with no state pension, nowt! What a bunch of tossers our dear World Leaders are do they really care about us? Do they FCUK!!

Blog 14.
Now then, I mean, the turnout to Buck House for the Jubilee was impressive they say there were 20,000 I would have put the figure more like 50,000 but they were all celebrating so, where was the fun? where were the laughs coming from? I reckon that either myself (ex Butlins ex Pontins General Manager) (that’s TRUE!!) or dear old Michael Barrymoor (give him a break ffs he was such a highly talented man (still is) who knew how to handle contestants and provide great-great fun and laughter and real entertainment) Now then, he or I could have and would have livened up this celebration ending up with a chaotic drunken ‘march of the pigging mods with me leading the GAY Gordons my loverlies ffs’ slurping champagne all the way onto the carpets and puking up in and out of all the Buck House 700 rooms and pulling all the bog chains in and out of their their 700 bogs ffs. Meanwhile, in another room the real person we are all allegedly celebrating our dear Queenie who the dear of she was at home laying flat out on the couch spliff in one hand G & T in the other some decent Reggae music (peace marm, the dear of her Majesty!! (creep)

Blog 15.
Now then, the alleged Concert was full of has-beens never-has-beens and some guy who had the widest gob you have ever seen, if he was a lady he would be very much in demand dears? God, that is so rude of me, 3rd spliff in progress, or is it the fourth or fifth ffs I don’t GAF? I only keep putting ‘Now then’ cos I know it annoys you, do I gaf? That’ll be a no then sfoilya!
Now then, Some of my readers have been so complimentary asking for more of my stories of confrontational stupidity rudeness and my warped sense of humour that I dream up under the influence of the magic weed Cannabis otherwise known as Tetrohydrocanibinoid my lovers, god knows if I spelt that right fs. If you think I have written all of this in one go then think again big-nose! I take at least a month then I edit and add a bit then I look the following day and say fcuk me gently ‘did I really write that load of bolax ffs’ but it’s all good fun!